Another dirty word...depression

I keep going back and forth on whether to write this...but I think my fear should be overcome. Plus, I believe that if I can do this, there's a possibility that someone else may benefit from my honesty, no matter how painful.


Unless this is the first time you've dropped in on my blog, you know that I am person of faith. I believe in Jesus Christ, am unashamed of the Gospel, and know that God is the only reason I'm not a basket-case today. Almost everything I do is about my faith, and when it's not, I pray that I will be changed to be more like the One who loves and accepts me broken, but too much to leave me this way!

But I've been battling with something. And it's been a while now. I had problems with it during my last pregnancy, although immediately after Ms. K came into our lives, it got better. But it reared its ugly head just two months later, once again. And because I've been in this process of looking at who I am, what I am about, what I need, want and love, I have spent lots of time thinking. (Yes, I know, honey...I over-analyze EVERYTHING. But I'm pretty sure it's a gift...I have eery discernment at times!)

The truth is, I've been battling this same thing off and on since middle school.

This is what it feels like today:

I wake up, well...not really "wake"...it's more a groggy sense of awareness of not being actively asleep. I've slept in today, and no alarm has woken me. I did feed the baby in the middle of the night, but went right back to sleep. And yet, my body and brain are screaming at me not to move, not to sit up, not to think. I want nothing more than to not do anything. Period. At all. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

But I've done this almost every morning for the last six months. I know if I push myself to sit up, to stand, to walk, to drink some coffee, jump in the shower, and get dressed, I will feel better. For a little while.

But the afternoon will come, and again my brain and body will scream at me to stop moving, stop thinking, and just sleep. I promise myself it will only be a short nap--a "power" nap, twenty thirty an hour tops. Two hours rolls around and I can barely get my head up and start this process of forced movement again.

I'm not sad; I don't feel helpless or hopeless (though I did for several months). I just can't seem to get excited to do much. And I can't convince my brain and body that it doesn't need more sleep to fix this.

And I hate this feeling! It feels lazy to want to sleep all the time. I hate feeling like the most strenuous activity I do in a day is get out of bed. And not every day is like this; just most.

I know I don't have a good sleep cycle. I'm almost always up until midnight or later, up to feed the baby between four and six in the morning, and attempting to start my day at seven. At best, I'm getting six hours of sleep on a regular basis. And I have so many responsibilities that part of me wants to do, but then the body moans again.

I think it's D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N. I'm seeing a mental health professional. I'm on medicine. But still I have this struggle. And I've been allowing myself to sit in this place and not ask for healing. Why?

I have no idea! I think this really twisted thought process is going on inside of me. "God will supply me the energy I need to get going...and to do what has to be done. I don't need healing as long as He supplies my need. I don't have to have normal/extra energy and zest of life. I can get by on making do."

Yes, theologically and doctrinally a nightmare!

So I'm sharing this with you...hoping you won't think I'm "different" because I have mental health issues (or maybe it's something medical undiscovered?). But I want you to know that I realize my brain and my thinking are still really messed up. There's still a part of me that doesn't want to let God in and to transform me. This process of recovery is long and tough. I admit it. For each step I've made so far, I think there are still two that need to be made.

I hope if you find yourself struggling with something like this, you will find the strength to seek help. That's about all I can be proud of at this point. But I'm choosing to go to bed at a decent hour tonight, and I'm going to try to stick to it. So I should end this. I hope you know that God is a Healer, the Great Physician, the best Counselor, and a lot more. He always listens and is available--no appointment required.

That's a good thing too! I think I could use a little of His time right about now. Good night!