One Wee Spark

Some of you have asked about my mom from time to time, and since our story is very public, I like to share occasionally. Stopped by Mom's apartment in the assisted living facility she lives at these days to drop off a few necessities for her. Her apartment continues to remain spacious and sparsely decorated. She spends most of her time in her room, watching TV and tatting or reading. She's given up many other crafts and social activities. I think dementia,  caused by her bipolar disorder, makes social activities hard for her. She can't maintain her focus on so many different people in large groups. She's aware that her memory is going. But dementia means that she forgets things. Like her only child's birthday. Or, it means that she remembers calling me two years ago on my birthday, and well, that is the same as calling me on my birthday this year in her mind. So my birthday came and went unnoticed by Mom. Or so I thought. Tonight, she handed me a neatly wrap...

"Grace saves me from my sin; it does not  remove the consequence of my actions." Have you ever done something that you regretted before you'd even finished doing it? No? It's just me...okay! I'm going to be very real here. I make bad decisions all the time. Well, maybe not all the time, but more often than I'd like to admit. Underneath, I'm really just a haute mess with a little coffee and a lot of Jesus in me! instagram.com/1weespark I take comfort in knowing that I'm in good company. Many of the people I admire most, the people who have encouraged and lifted me up are, in fact, also humans who make mistakes, messes, and bad decisions. One of my favorite examples of this human condition I find myself in is David, King David. David's story is inspiring because it wasn't an easy life. As a teenager, he is anointed and named to be the successor of the current king, Saul. But David isn't the son of Saul. But that's ...

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading from Mark 10 , the story of Blind Bartimaeus. It is a very short story considering what happens. As Jesus enters and then leaves Jericho, a crowd follows Him. This is a pretty common experience for Jesus and His disciples. (Jericho is the same town that Jesus passed through and happened upon Zacchaeus, the story is found in Luke 19 ). Besides the fact that both Zacchaeus and Bartimaeus encountered Jesus in a meaningful way as He passed through Jericho, both men were seeking Jesus. Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus but found the crowds were too big, and being short in stature, decided to run ahead of the crowd. When he got ahead of the crowds, he climbed into a sycamore-fig tree. Have you stopped to think about that? Imagine for just a second that you are at a political rally in your own neighborhood. There's a candidate who seems to offer true hope for your community, your life, your neighbors' lives. But there's a huge cro...

Borrowed from thewatershed.com As a child growing up in the emotional and environmental chaos that is a hoarded home, I believed that somehow my desire to change or help my mother find her own change was enough. Psychologists call it magical thinking, and it occurs for all children to differing degrees. Magical thinking is the belief that a child has that somehow their actions initiate or stop other actions that are independent of their actual abilities.  But many children grow up to become broken, hurt adults (as I am and continue to overcome) that have not been able to identify how their magical thinking is simply that... M  A  G  I  C  A  L.

[Credit is due to my dear friend TLH for the word picture contained herein. It's all my writing, but I owe her for the visual that helped me find "my way" so to speak!] Have you ever been on a road trip in a city that you were not familiar with, and although relying heavily on your trusty GPS when you realize that you've made a turn just seconds before the GPS dialogue begins, "Recalculating...?" Honestly, I find that female voice slightly condescending as she points out what I've already realized. Duh! I know! And yet, twenty minutes later, that same female voice warns me to bear left when the freeway forks ahead. That voice is calm and soothing when it guides me, welcoming and reassuring.

It's been a while since I've posted on here...but I felt like today, I should share this thing I'm in the middle of. It's not a bad thing, per se...but it involves perhaps one of the toughest elements of change--embracing a new perspective about oneself. In other words, I am embracing "the real Ceci G", and becoming comfortable with who she is, further defining what I am not, and looking more realistically at what I can become. It's as if, in some ways, I'm looking at the whole world in a new perspective simply by looking more honestly at me.

The holiday season is almost over, and I hope that each of my readers had a wonderful time with family and friends. I realize, however, that quite possibly, that was not the case, especially regarding our HPs. And so, my motto for the New Year is simply this: "I can't change my HP, but I can change my response to my HP." I will never have to power to fix my mom, make her different, or even bargain with her to lasting change. I can, and have, spent years trying to do these things with no effect. However, the second I set about to change ME , my mother seemed to change to. I can't promise that if you change how you respond to your HP that they will change. However, I can promise that when you turn your energies inward to changing the only person you can effectively make better, you will care less about your HP's neuroses. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting that you won't care about their mess and their mental health issues, their won...

Recently, I found myself in a situation that has become more unfamiliar to me these days. I found myself in a place where I couldn't find my hope reserves and cling to it. I was angry, tired, and frustrated. I wanted to yell out, "Stop this bus, I want to get off!" But I didn't. Instead, I decided I wanted to try something different. I longed to wander, to see new places, to leave behind what was familiar. I didn't want to leave to seek a solution; I wanted only to leave it behind, ignore it, pretend it wouldn't follow me, and "fix it now".