When I don't want to move...breathe...roll over...

I've shared before that I battle with depression. It's no surprise to me, really, knowing that my mother has a mental illness that I might be affected too. It's different for me, though. And, cautiously, I've been feeling much better after a tweak with my meds, an addition of some vitamins that I was very deficient in, and careful handling of my routine.

But in the last week, I've had a return to the fatigue. I get up, but not without telling God and myself:

I don't want to move...breathe...roll over...get up. I just want to stay here and do nothing. God, please help me!

Yesterday, I had plans that I was very excited about earlier in the week--Spokane's Women Of Faith conference. I was stoked and made all of the sessions on Friday, but yesterday morning, I could not convince my body and brain that I wanted to go. I didn't want to do anything except lay in bed. To make matters worse, I was supposed to meet someone else there...and breaking my plans would mean telling her and being honest about my depression and mood.

But I told her. And she was gracious and understanding. And this is what I said to her at one point:

"I sometimes feel like He's (God) storing up my energy for something really big that I haven't gotten to yet."

Her response?

"I believe He is!"
[Thanks, C!] 

Something big is going to happen...things are lining up, doors opening, connections are being made and built. My depression is part of the process; it keeps me able to relate to those who have mental health issues as well. It keeps me on the same playing field and those I want to help.

But when I really need the energy, when I have the BIG things to do, God is faithful to pull me out of my funk. I think of my trips this summer to New Orleans and San Diego, trips that my depression could have robbed me of or at least limited. But God, the giver of all good things, my Restorer and Deliverer, gave me the energy and appropriate mood to go do those things.

This morning was tough again. I won't lie about it. But right now, I'm feeling encouraged by developments that I can't arrange on my own, and the knowledge that my lack of energy right now is a recharging of my internal battery...something big is on the horizon.

And this knowledge, that God holds me and lets me sleep and store energy when I really need to...makes it easier to press on towards tomorrow, resting in His arms today.


Sidney said…
Hugs, Ceci! It's okay to be down sometimes. Gosh, I HOPE it is! What isn't okay, is not taking care of yourself, but it sounds like you are taking those healthy steps. Good girl.

Last week, I had to PUSH myself to leave the house for two evening events that had been planned for weeks. I didn't wanna... But I went, and I am so glad I did. I had fun. I grew alive again. I supported friends, and they supported me.

Next time your strength pushes you to the West Coast, Ceci, Greg and I would love to see you. We even have an extra bedroom with your name on it.

Have a great, healthy week, and fake it til' you make it.

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