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Showing posts from January 10, 2010

The first step

The first step toward healing, I've found is admitting that I have no power over the things in my life that would and could destroy me. In my case, my mother is a compulsive hoarder and was therefore a mentally ill mother. My childhood was less than ideal. But the first step toward healing is for me to admit that I am powerless over my mother's actions, her disorder, and her mental illness.

Yes, my mother has problems. Admitting that there is a problem is simple, but admitting and accepting that I cannot change her or fix her problems is very difficult. Part of this is because she took joy in blaming me for her problems. When life was not good in her eyes, she projected blame onto me. I heard the message loud and clear repeatedly throughout my childhood:

I should have put you up for adoption. If I had, this would be better/different/fixed.

For many years into my adulthood, I believed that to be true. I believed that single parenting was too tough for her and that housework didn&…