Worth it!
Many times along the journey to healing and joy I got discouraged. There were days that just facing the past, not even trying to make heads or tails of it, just seemed like too much. The video in my head of past events often seemed to get stuck in repeat mode, and it weighed me down like a boulder on my chest. It hurt and it seemed to be keeping me from breathing.
Someone had warned me that the journey would be tough. "The best things in life aren't easy," another reminded me. The therapist reminded me that someday the pain would be different. But at the moment I was sinking in it, all I could see was the red hot searing pain and the charcoal, smoky blackness of my despair.
See the thing is, I learned as a kid that one of two things must be true about myself:
1. I was not enough to be worth it;
2. I was too much to be tolerated.
It's the same old black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that affects so many children raised in homes with dysfunction, addictions, hoarding, or mental illness. There seems to never be a "Just right."
Yesterday, I woke up feeling like a brand new person. I have forced myself to deal with the realities of my childhood and my own failures and shortcomings to break a cycle of denial; I have pushed through my anger; I have bargained with myself, God and others needlessly; I wallowed in the pit of darkness and despair of depression; and I have conquered the need to control what I cannot and accepted myself.
I'm not perfect, but I truly believe I have value. I believe that I am getting better and better each day, that I have something to offer in humility, and that I am already enough. My value is already high enough to merit whatever I had to face, whatever price this freedom cost.
If you're angry still and wondering if trying to move on, trying to work recovery and find healing in your life is worth it, I HAVE TO ENCOURAGE YOU!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
If I can do this, anyone can. I'm not special. I'm like you. You can do it. You are worth it. I believe in you!
Someone had warned me that the journey would be tough. "The best things in life aren't easy," another reminded me. The therapist reminded me that someday the pain would be different. But at the moment I was sinking in it, all I could see was the red hot searing pain and the charcoal, smoky blackness of my despair.
See the thing is, I learned as a kid that one of two things must be true about myself:
1. I was not enough to be worth it;
2. I was too much to be tolerated.
It's the same old black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that affects so many children raised in homes with dysfunction, addictions, hoarding, or mental illness. There seems to never be a "Just right."
Yesterday, I woke up feeling like a brand new person. I have forced myself to deal with the realities of my childhood and my own failures and shortcomings to break a cycle of denial; I have pushed through my anger; I have bargained with myself, God and others needlessly; I wallowed in the pit of darkness and despair of depression; and I have conquered the need to control what I cannot and accepted myself.
I'm not perfect, but I truly believe I have value. I believe that I am getting better and better each day, that I have something to offer in humility, and that I am already enough. My value is already high enough to merit whatever I had to face, whatever price this freedom cost.
If you're angry still and wondering if trying to move on, trying to work recovery and find healing in your life is worth it, I HAVE TO ENCOURAGE YOU!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
If I can do this, anyone can. I'm not special. I'm like you. You can do it. You are worth it. I believe in you!
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