I have spent many hours, days, weeks, months
Oh, probably even years
Errantly believing that the problem was me
That the heartache was my creation
that the stress was my divination
that the guilt was my possession
that the shame was my obsession

But I did not create the problem
It was conceived and birthed long before
I had even drawn a single breath
Before I even knew who you were, let alone I

The weight of the world was not my masterpiece
Slaved over at the cost of your happiness
I am not that big or powerful
I cannot even control me

Your conviction was not in my court
For I would have held you even more accountable
Your sentence would have likely born less leniency
And the parole you enjoy now would have been banished

Your badge of dishonor hung proudly upon my lapel
For years and hours that time cannot recount
But I have disowned it as I tried to disown your problem
I was powerless to do either for so long

But I own today my problems
Not yours
I have enough to deal with on my own
And cannot trudge another step with your yoke
So I cast it off
Like a servant set free, I run far and fast
Testing the limits before what's real appears
To fade into a dream only to reawaken to the nightmare
That my life once was, but will no longer be

I cannot
I will not
I should not
I will no longer try
to fix you, to calm you, to validate you

I can
I will
I shall
I will never cease to try
to make me a better person, to find my healing, and to be my own validation

That's what I shall do...for eternity

copyright Cecilia Garrett


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