Albert Einstein is quoted as saying:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Sigh. And now I'm stuck.

The episode of "Hoarders" that my mother and I were on was on rerun tonight. I didn't watch it. I don't need to right now. And besides, I have it on DVR should I have some need for a pity party. I'm over that part of my life now.

Or so I thought...

Tonight, in a case of bad judgment, I went to the A&E discussion forum to see what "new" comments there might have been. And almost immediately, I found a comment directed at me.

It wasn't nice.

It wasn't pretty.

It wasn't encouraging or sympathetic.

But I knew that the A&E forums are hostile. Why did I go there? What part of me was so needy tonight that I went there looking for someone to say, "Good job! You did something admirable. I can only imagine how tough that was for you"?

Instead, I got a character assassination from a person who doesn't have a clue what it's like to grow up with a hoarding parent.

And you know what? It still hurts. Reading those comments tonight didn't hurt any less than the first time I stumbled upon a harsh comment there four months ago. All the work I've done in the last four months to work through my childhood and to seek God and healing, well...that work seemed to be blown away the way a gentle breeze sends down flying. Every strength that I had disappeared, and again I was the little girl who never could be good enough. I was the "bad person", the outcast.

You know what else? I know that I'm fat. I don't need a total stranger calling me a fat, lazy slob and blaming me for my mother's illness. I don't.

But tonight I'm weak. Tonight I suffer from insanity.

Tonight, I cry and I pray. But tomorrow, I'm going to get up and put on my big girl panties. I'm going to be the tough and strong woman that I have to be at times while still deeply passionate.

Father, help me right now. Those words are filled with so much hate. And yet, I should have known not to go there. How many times do I have to make this mistake before I learn? Do you ever get weary because of my bull-headedness? No, you love me as much today as yesterday. You sent Your Son to die for me while I was a sinner, before I even understood why I needed you. Please, don't give up on me. I'm trying! In Jesus' name, AMEN.


COH said…
Cici-I read that comment you saw about 1 a.m., and I swear I sat there for about 1/2 an hour contemplating whether I should remind you not to go there or not. But then the thought won of "if I told you *not* to go, then maybe you would be curious and go and read.
I should have listened to my gut reaction.

For what it's worth, I did post this there, but unfortunately the damage has been done, but a survivor like you I'm sure won't let it take up too much real estate in your head for long.
Moderation, A&E?
Seriously, to the A&E admins. of this board...don't you moderate this place for personal attacks like this? If you invite participants in the show to contribute here, it would seem the responsible thing to do to me.
Unknown said…
My most beloved Sister, God will never give up on you, HE knows you are trying, I love you beyond measure and I see only beauty in both body and spirit. Who can measure the love and grace you have for a lost and dying world, for your fellow brothers and sisters when they don't even know who you are? They are commenting on a caricature of a person they seen a short glimpse of on tv, a glimpse they do not realize is your heartache being televised on national tv. But those who know even those who look through eyes of love do not have to know you to see that you are a daughter doing what is right for a parent who did not merit such mercy, but you know that it is the right thing to do because we serve a Father who pours upon us his unmerited mercy.

I am proud of you, I love you, and think you are something special and I encourage you not to return to those message boards....we do not go back to the places of bondage, we only move forward.

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