One Wee Spark

It takes someone special...

2012-02-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day, in case any of you haven't already heard. It was also group night. With a newspaper article in the local paper since our last meeting, I was feeling very optimistic that tonight, I would not be THE group.

And I wasn't disappointed. Five minutes till seven, he walked in. We'll call him Grandpa Joe. He is NOT the adult child of a hoarder. He's a hoarder, admittedly, and he is looking for help. We sat and spoke to Joe for 45 minutes. He told us about his current project, clearing out an estate. Apparently, the woman who has passed on had a strong desire for Christmas decorations. He had already moved three loads of Christmas decor from her home TODAY. The last load was still in his SUV outside.
Read more »

A Place of Empowerment

2012-02-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a house that was far from "Home Sweet Home". The conditions of my home, the relationship between my mother and myself, and the dichotomy of my self at home and my self outside of the home stripped any positive connotations from the word home. I'm not alone.

Last summer, I was blessed to be part of a small group of adults who grew up in homes like mine. Our wonderful hostess and champion, Dr. Suzanne Chabaud, invited us to join her in New Orleans for a Summit of adult-children of hoarders. She welcomed us to the Dante house with open doors, and open arms. All of us were touched deeply by our experience.

This week, I got the opportunity to return to visit Dr. Chabaud. My brothers and sisters from the hoard were not all here, and so the dynamic was different, but when I walked through the back door of the Dante house and through the kitchen, I was transformed.

Where my childhood home had so many negative memories attached to it, this house has only beautiful, warm feelings to serve as reminders of who I am, who I've been, and who I can become. I truly believe that when I walk through that door, I became all the things I've ever wanted to be--strong, beautiful, articulate, caring, encouraging and courageous. It was almost as though the back door was an eraser of the wrongs in my past.

Last summer, Dr. C and I had a conversation when we were in San Diego. During that conversation, Dr. C became the nurturing parent that I needed as a child. Our conversation replaced the broken tape recording of my childhood in which I repeatedly belittled myself with the same criticism over and over.

"You are so smart! Whatever you choose to do, you will be brilliant and successful!" That's the message I hear in my head these days. Sometimes the broken tape recording starts, but it's drowned out these days by the encouraging words of a nurturing, kind parent.

For all my fellow Summit-ees, I've missed being here without you. Each of you holds a very dear place in my heart and I cannot wait to see each and every one of you again.

I'm sharing the giraffe picture, because I found some symbolism in that painting and our lives. When you stand directly in front of the picture and look at it head on, you see this beautiful giraffe. But remember, when you step to the side and look at it from an angle, there is texture in the background that forms musical notes. The world sees us now, only head on. They only see the obvious picture. But there are some who dare to step to the side and look at us in a different light or angle, and they see something wonderful and beautiful--music notes hidden in texture.

What we've faced and endured is wrong and unfair. But there is an underlying element in the painting of our lives that our survival and empowerment speaks to. Each day, I pray that you will look at yourself and each other from that other angle and bask in the hidden beauty of YOU!

Admitting the Truth, Uncovering the Lie

2012-01-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

"White lies" became a regular and normal part of my childhood. I've heard others tell stories about the elaborate tales of renovation that were built and concocted to keep friends and family away from the family home, the hoard. I was never that creative. I would say something along the lines of the house being a mess, believing that no one would truly suspect the truth--the house was a MESS!

It hit me recently that I still have trouble telling the truth in situations where it really doesn't make a difference whether I tell the truth or not. It disturbs me to think that telling a half-truth or painting a beautiful deception is not only easy for me, but that my moral compass does not readily stop me from doing it.

Borrowed from Mark Pocan, WI representative, personal blog

For instance, I have told a lie about my abilities in gymnastics and tumbling since I was a small child. I'm not sure how the lie first reared its ugly head, but like a zit that is touched, it keeps coming back, growing larger and leaving a darker scar each time I try to rid myself of the truth.

I'm not sure, but I think that I needed to be "good" at something, to get attention from my peers. I remember clearly feeling inadequate in elementary school--the absence of a father in my family was hard enough, living in a trash pile only added further insult to injury. I'm sure that my natural abilities helped me carry off the lie. No one questioned it because I was super-flexible and I did take classes at the local community center. On some level, I am sure that my lie bought me attention and adoration from a group of my peers that I was ill-fit with.

But why do I keep telling this lie today?
Read more »

Overwhelmed

2012-01-08T12:58:00.000-08:00

This hasn't been a bad week by any stretch, but my energy level has been nil since Wednesday afternoon. I don't know if it's because I had put so much energy into being right on the news interview, or because I donated blood that afternoon, or maybe it's just been a week with more need for energy than sleep obtained. It doesn't matter.
Read more »

BAGA: Part Three

2012-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

More than an extra

Borrowed from "Asphyxia" on Squidoo dot com

For most of my life, I've lived as though I were simply an extra in the film of life. I showed up, I did my part, but I didn't make any decisions, I didn't have a voice of my own, and I sure didn't take (or get) any credit for my role. This is the fate that growing up in a dysfunctional home handed me.

For a while.

No matter what background I come from, I hold a powerful tool in my hands. It's called choice.
Read more »

BAGA: Part Two

2012-01-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm preparing to meet with a member of the local news station to share my personal story of recovery. A friend encouraged me to reach out more to the media to help promote the local group. At first, I balked at the idea. I was afraid the focus would become me, and not the group.

I decided to reach out to the local press anyways.
Read more »

Becoming a Great Actress

2012-01-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

Something I've struggled with for just about as long as I can remember is an ability to dream and plan. For most of my adult life, if you asked me where I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve in the next five years, I'd look at you with a blank stare.

Who me?

Borrowed from YourSoulGuidance dot com

I have no idea!
Read more »

A New Year's Wish

2011-12-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is almost over, and I hope that each of my readers had a wonderful time with family and friends. I realize, however, that quite possibly, that was not the case, especially regarding our HPs. And so, my motto for the New Year is simply this:

"I can't change my HP, but I can change my response to my HP."

I will never have to power to fix my mom, make her different, or even bargain with her to lasting change. I can, and have, spent years trying to do these things with no effect. However, the second I set about to change ME, my mother seemed to change to.

I can't promise that if you change how you respond to your HP that they will change. However, I can promise that when you turn your energies inward to changing the only person you can effectively make better, you will care less about your HP's neuroses. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting that you won't care about their mess and their mental health issues, their wonderful stranger encounters, etc.

There is great peace and a sense of empowerment when you know that you are doing the best you can for you, and letting the others struggle on their own. Life won't be perfect, but it will be better.

And so, my wish for you as we prepare to enter the New Year, is this:

Commit yourself so fully to self-improvement that you have no time to criticize others.

(paraphrase from "The Optimist Creed" by Christian D. Larsen)

Wanderlust, or "I'd Rather Run Away"

2011-12-14T13:38:00.000-08:00

Recently, I found myself in a situation that has become more unfamiliar to me these days. I found myself in a place where I couldn't find my hope reserves and cling to it. I was angry, tired, and frustrated. I wanted to yell out, "Stop this bus, I want to get off!"

But I didn't. Instead, I decided I wanted to try something different. I longed to wander, to see new places, to leave behind what was familiar. I didn't want to leave to seek a solution; I wanted only to leave it behind, ignore it, pretend it wouldn't follow me, and "fix it now".
Read more »

Like in a Fun House..Only not so Fun

2011-12-02T13:09:00.001-08:00

When you were a kid, did you ever go into a fun house with all those crazy mirrors? One transformed you from a petite child of 4'2" into a child the height of an NBA star, yet another made you resemble the figure of the Pillsbury dough boy, and another appeared to give you a perfect hourglass figure.

It was fun, but temporary. When you left the immediate area, you were still the same person as you had been before you entered the fun house and glanced into those mirrors. No matter how silly you felt before the mirrors, you could walk away and return to "normal". Or perhaps, if you were like me, with issues about your body, you enjoyed the few moments of "correction" and were sad to see it end and return to the same old, not-quite-what-you'd-hoped-for "me".
Read more »

I challenge you...

2011-11-30T18:59:00.001-08:00

I challenge each and every one of you to do this! Just follow the steps below...we can have a voice...for free!

1. Go to: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Enter your zipcode.

2. Click on a provider's name. In my example, I used zipcode 99205, and chose Michael Chessar Counseling Services. This took me to his listing page, where I clicked on the link:

"Email us" under contact info.

This will open a new page.

3. Enter your name (If you are concerned about being identified...you can use the standard format from recovery groups--for me, Ceci G).

Use of email address and phone number are encouraged, but at your discretion.

4. I've written this simple script with bit.ly links to the research article and the online table of questions. You can change it if you want:

I'm adult child who was raised in a hoarded home. I live in your area, and yet, I feel invisible. Did you know that a research study has been conducted about adult-children of hoarders? You can read an article written by the head researcher, Dr. Chabaud, at:

http://bit.ly/vpjzG5

Here is a link to the table of questions mentioned in the article:

http://bit.ly/rCLpJc

Please take the time to read about this. Consider learning more about hoarding and the effects to the family. Share this information with your colleagues.
This mental illness is not new, but we are just finding our voices. Thank you for letting me share this with you!

5. Send this to five to ten mental health providers in your area. This costs nothing but a little time, but it helps give us a voice around the country.

I dare you to do this! Join me???

CeciG

Have you checked out the group webpage?

2011-11-29T11:29:00.001-08:00

This isn't really supposed to be about shameless, self promotion, but I want to make sure that my readers here know about Adult Children of Hoarders Spokane's webpage. It's nothing fancy, but I'm working to add links for local professionals (organizers, counselors, social workers). At this point the group is just me and some empty chairs, but it has afforded me the opportunity to speak to professional groups who might have clients who would benefit from the group.

LOGO, Adult Children of Hoarders Spokane

Please stop by, check it out, and bookmark it. We continue to meet on the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month, and will continue to do so until we have no room or I pass on...whichever comes first.

Thanks for your support, my fine readers!

You Failed Me

2011-11-18T11:43:00.001-08:00

Way back in the day...and by that, I mean, when I was still a young thing back in high school, I did something kind of stupid. Okay...so I did a lot of things that were REALLY stupid back in the day. I admit that. But this one, well...my stupidity was minor compared to the failure of the authorities.

Enough Said

2011-11-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

Healing and change

come not from constant striving,

A Startling Thought

2011-11-03T09:27:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, during my quiet time with my Daddy, I read a devotion. The gist of the devotion was this:

If I knew Jesus were in the next room praying for me, I would not doubt or be afraid. But regardless of the distance, I know Jesus is praying for me.

This really struck me.
Read more »

I Need You to Love Me

2011-10-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've been reading books for over two years now about facing the ugly truths that are our pasts, acknowledging them, rolling around in the pain and feeling it deeply so as to let it go and move forward. This process really began a lot longer than just two years ago. I began this process the first time nine years ago, back in 2002 when my first marriage was crumbling around me.

One of the most hurtful things that came out of my first marriage falling apart was an accusation my ex made:

You tell me all the time that you love me, but I don't feel loved.

An Open Letter to Mental Health Providers

2011-10-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to my attention that many of you have been contacted or seen a patient whose parent is a hoarder. Many of you are treating hoarders although you have not been through the training recommended by the OCD Foundation and the researchers who are treating this.

I believe that you are well-meaning. I'm a glass half full kind of gal. Until proven otherwise, I will believe that your intention is to help people. But inadvertently, you are hurting a block of society.

When the adult child of a hoarder comes to you and describes the filth and hell that they grew up in, no matter how surprised you are, please do NOT say, "Oh my goodness!" with a look of shock and horror plastered across your face. It is a very difficult thing to show up in someone's office and talk about this family secret. This is exactly what we fear the most--shock and horror.
Read more »

Teachable Moments: It's Not Fine, But I Forgive You

2011-10-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Being a mom is a funny time. For every lesson I teach my children, they teach or illuminate a point for me. I find this is especially true when it comes to interpersonal relationships and boundaries, big issues in the process of recovery. I was an only child so besides growing up in the dark secret of the hoard, I didn't have the social opportunity with a sibling that my children are blessed with.

Last Thursday, on the way to Mid-Week Service, my oldest two were having a bit of an issue communicating. They are only 13 months apart, and the older one has some anxiety about learning to drive. Michael told the older Bekah that at this rate he'd be driving first. Bekah found this statement to be hurtful, but instead of speaking up she began to shut down.

Not Your Average Drama Queen

2011-10-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, my desire for a local recovery group for Adult Children of Hoarders is quite selfish. As I continue to work my own recovery, I find it is possible to move forward without a group, but perhaps not ideal. And so, I often reach out to others who are going through the same things as I am via the internet--blogging, forums, social networking, etc.

Last night I had a short conversation with another adult child who was having a rough evening. The need to express herself was not out of the ordinary, but she needed someone who could listen, validate her right to have the feelings she was having, and encouraging her to work through them instead of reacting badly. Sigh, I only wish that when I was her age I'd had the same opportunity to connect with someone else who had been there and new the secret world I was continuing to cut ties to!

Hoarding Lies, Pt. Four

2011-10-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you need help to write something; sometimes you just need a thought to elaborate on, or something that someone else says will trigger a memory for you. This happens to me all the time. Because I've felt that the "Hoarding Lies and the Truths That Set Us Free" segment has been powerful, I've asked others for help. Today's lie comes from Sara R:

I'll clean it up when...

You Gave Me A Promise

2011-10-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

I've been preparing for an upcoming presentation before a group of psychiatric nurse practitioners. I was blown away to be asked to make a presentation since my initial contact was simply to let them know that I had started a group, in case they might have a patient who would benefit from a peer-to-peer group. I've been putting my energy into researching and researching and making connections with professionals to verify that I'm not steering them wrong.

I feel confident from conversations with professionals in the know, that I know and understand this disorder. But as I tried to take the information in my research and translate it into a one-hour presentation that was "professional", I felt that I was hitting a wall.
Read more »

Hoarding Lies, Pt. Three

2011-10-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hoarding is a mental illness marked by a lack of insight. That means that the person who suffers with it can't see clearly what is going on in their life and accumulating in their home. This leads me to another lie that binds the family of a hoarder, even years after leaving the home:

This mess just isn't that bad.

Borrowed from "Sew Paint Create"

Oh, I could get really mean and angry about this. This is one of the things that was almost a mantra with my mother before she accepted help two years ago. Her lack of insight into her problem was paired with habituation until three to five foot piles of "stuff" throughout the house seemed "normal".
Read more »

Hoarding Lies, pt.Two

2011-10-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I wrote about the lie I grew up with in my HP's home: The belief that if I hadn't been born/such a burden, my mother and her home would have been normal. Obviously, this is a major lie, but I believed this with such a deep-rooted passion that it destroyed me internally for years.

There are quite a few lies that are pervasive in the hoarded home. Another biggie:

If I can't do it perfectly and complete it right now, I should wait until I can.

I hate to admit this, but this is one of those lies that I took with me. I battle with it daily. Every single project I undertake is determined by my thought process on finishing it now and doing it perfectly. Even writing, though I find it very cathartic, is sometimes difficult for me to do because I know that I can't sit and write a book in one sitting, and the first draft will be less than perfect.

But I can't do it perfectly, so I'd better wait...

Hoarding Lies and the Truths that Set Us Free

2011-10-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I was taught to believe many lies that surrounded the situation in which we lived. There are many of them, but I want to give each one a little time separately. I'm going to start with the lie that I believed for the longest, and my last post in this series will be a truth I've stumbled upon recently that set me free from the lies my mother sold me.

Today, I want to focus on the lie that haunted me long after I'd left home, long after it could possibly be true. Yet, I believed it.

If it weren't for me [the child], our house would be normal.

Women of Faith--Follow Up: Counting Your Blessings Prematurely

2011-09-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit late writing about my Women of Faith experience, I admit it. The last ten days have been marked with decreased energy and punctuated with a numb mood last night. But through it all, the whole experience of being chosen for a Women of Faith event, thanks to BookSneeze, and being able to invite another woman to enjoy this blessings and the lessons learned over the weekend were immense. I am still pondering them today.

I'm going to be very honest about it. I can't normally afford the registration costs for a Women of Faith conference. One of the things you give up when you have a large family is some of the "extras". I knew that going would bless me and take me to another level, but I knew also that I would get there at some point no matter what the path was. That's the thing about God--He will always get you where He wants you when you simply submit.
Read more »

When I don't want to move...breathe...roll over...

2011-09-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

I've shared before that I battle with depression. It's no surprise to me, really, knowing that my mother has a mental illness that I might be affected too. It's different for me, though. And, cautiously, I've been feeling much better after a tweak with my meds, an addition of some vitamins that I was very deficient in, and careful handling of my routine.

But in the last week, I've had a return to the fatigue. I get up, but not without telling God and myself:

I don't want to move...breathe...roll over...get up. I just want to stay here and do nothing. God, please help me!

Tomorrow--Women of Faith in Spokane!

2011-09-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I know you're probably on the verge of being sick of hearing about it, but I am so incredibly excited to have been blessed with the opportunity to participate in the Women of Faith Over The Top conference here in Spokane tomorrow and Saturday. I have a devotional book from Women of Faith that I start each day with...and I would love to become a strong Christian women who reaches others the way these women do!

Oh, to hear Mandisa sing...that's pretty cool too! And Lisa Whelchel from "Facts of Life"! That is pretty awesome too...but the kicker for me...and I didn't know this until Tuesday night....

Read more »

The hard work

2011-09-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

As a child of a hoarder,I dreamed of the day when I would have an opportunity to clean out my parent"s mess. When it came, however, another shock hit. It is very emotionally draining for everyone involved, including any professionals. No matter how much I believed that I was not attached to my mom's items, or that I didn't understand why it's so hard for her to say goodbye to things...I was deeply moved by the process and Mom's emotions. Others' responses may be different from mine; for some it may make you angry, it may make you sad, it may just leave you feeling tired and overwhelmed. At any rate, it will take something from you.

But this is not the hard part.
Read more »

I'll never be a hoarder

2011-09-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Borrowed from Bookshelf Organization at craftime.com

I am preparing to give my first hour long presentation to a group of psychiatric nurse practitioners on hoarding, growing up as a child in the hoard, and what the mission and vision is for the Adult Children of Hoarders recovery group I'm starting here in Spokane. So...I couldn't get a group of pastors or school counselors who aren't so well-versed in matters of mental illness to speak to first?

No. Apparently that is not what God has planned.
Read more »

I Will Not Be Moved

2011-09-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the third meeting of Adult Children of Hoarders Spokane. It was highly successful. Still, I was the only member.

How was it successful?
Read more »

Research: Adult Children from Hoarded Homes

2011-09-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

On Friday morning, I got official word that the second part of Dr. Suzanne Chabaud's research on the effects on Adult Children of Hoarded Homes is live and available online. This is the first time this specific subject has been studied. I count Dr. C as a friend, and I've met the staff of the research project. Each of them is marvelous in their own way.

I hope that you will read this letter from Dr. C and then head over to fill out the survey. If you're a COH, please participate. I know just how difficult it can be to revisit the past, but I know that so much good information is going to come from this research!
Read more »

ONE WEEK! Women of Faith in Spokane!

2011-09-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

Next Friday, Women of Faith will be in Spokane! I am so very excited about this! (I'm jumping up and down like a hyper three year old who is about to get the best present ever...I know you can't see it...just imagine it!)

I am following Woman of Faith on Facebook, although honestly, I have tried not to read too much because I want to bask in the experience and not have any preconceived ideas. In high school, I often went on youth retreats and conferences, and I never came back from one the same as when I left. I always grew in the Lord in some manner, and I have the same expectation for next week's Women of Faith Conference.

This hasn't been a tough year, but we all have times when we need refreshing and renewing in the Word, in the Spirit, in God. I am so ready for this!

In case you're on the fence...here's a sneak peek video...I strongly encourage you to get to a Women of Faith conference.

I promise to let you all know what the experience was like when it's over. It may take me a day or two to get my voice and focus back...my stomach's going to ache from laughing, my eyes may be swollen from crying, I will likely have red hands from clapping, but I'm going to feel so good!

Oh...and even more exciting...in February 2012, the Revolve tour (for tweens and teen girls!) will be in Spokane too! Check out that information here!

All Alone in a Crowded Room

2011-09-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

This morning while I was dropping my son off at school, I watched his interaction with the other boys in his classroom. He seemed not to fit in, nor to be out of place. He just seemed alone in a crowd of boys. I could tell by his expressive eyes that he wanted to fit in with these boys, and I don't know that it's a bad thing at that age to want to fit in.

Taylor Swift

But it reminded me of how I have always felt like I don't belong, no matter where I am. As a child, I was the one with no father...in a generation where divorce was still pretty new...and well, my parents weren't divorced. The other kids around me didn't know how to interpret this lack of a "daddy". Honestly, neither did I. I watched the fathers come to school events and cheer on their children. I usually didn't even have a mother present because she worked full-time. I was alone in a crowded room...

And this is a feeling I've experienced many, many times in my life. I remember being at a family wedding, and feeling like I simply wasn't even there. The focus on that day, which so often my extended family turned on me, was elsewhere, and I was out of place. I felt this way after having my third baby in a new area and not having a single visitor to the hospital to greet our new little one.

Being alone in a crowded room makes you wonder if you're real. When I was little, I wondered if my life was just a bad dream and someday I would wake up and realize all the bad stuff wasn't real. It didn't turn out that way; that's okay. Being alone in a crowded room taught me some good qualities. I'm fiercely independent, and I don't take no for an answer without a fight. This has been helpful over the years when insurance companies denied procedures for one of my children with special medical needs. I didn't take their "no"; I fought for fair treatment.

Sometimes being fiercely independent isn't good. I've had to learn to rely on my husband and wait for him to do things that I knew I could do. I've learned the hard way that doing it yourself can emasculate the man you love. And I don't have to do something myself just because I know I can. I love the goofy grin on my hubby's face when he shows me his completed task.

I'm sure many of you have felt alone in a crowded room. What did those experiences teach you about yourself? What are the good and bad effects of that experience? Please share, even anonymously. I'd love to know how you work through this in your own life.

Back To School

2011-09-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

My kids are all headed back to school for another year today...well, not ALL of the kids. The BusyBears are both too young for school...but the process of getting the kids school supplies, finding out what their schedules look like, and generally adapting our day-to-day routine made me think of my own childhood/school years.

I was often teased at school. I was teased about my clothes (I wore hand-me-downs from cousins who were six to eight years old than I...very far from fashionable!). I was teased about my size from middle school on, although in hindsight, I think those girls should have been shot...I was far from overweight or even obese! And I was teased for my values. My mother's rigid black-and-white thinking failed me in public school. I often repeated things she had said at just the right moment to offend someone.

But I survived all those years. I'm here now, and as a parent, I fear that my children will be teased. I find comfort in knowing that their home life is far more stable than what I came from, that they are surrounded by a family of faith that prays for and over them, and the knowledge that no matter what...this too shall pass.

I prepare my children to be kind, loving, accepting, and encouraging. My prayer is that if they meet with something besides that, that will still know that they have value...and will not retaliate.

And ironically, I loved going back to school! It was an escape from too much stuff at home!

Welcome back, students! Best of luck, courageous children!

How's the transition to the school year going at your home?

It's going to be a good week!

2011-09-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

After posting on my feelings of being ill-prepared last week, and after reading a blog article by Michael Hyatt (no, not my son! LOL)[http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-go-further-faster.html], I believed that although I felt ill-prepared for many of the day-to-day tasks of life, I could learn from someone who KNOWS.

So I decided that this would be the week that I would begin to emulate the people who seem to have what I want...peace and energy. And no, they really aren't exclusive...you can have both, or you can LACK both. I suggest going with the former and not the latter, however...personal experience.

Last night, I began a bedtime routine. In fairness, half the kids were away from home which meant less work to get the kids ready, but still...I haven't ever really had a bedtime routine. This was a first. I began following the FlyLady, and using her bedtime routine as a guide. I had completed all the bedtime tasks and was in bed by 10pm! Silly, I know, but that is about three hours earlier than I've been going to bed.

This morning, when Busier woke at 5:30am for her morning feeding, I grabbed my glasses and the baby and headed upstairs. I fed Busier, tucked her back into the crib, and began my day. It is now 7:15am and I have showered and dressed, wiped down the bathroom, emptied the dishwasher, made and eaten breakfast, cleaned up after myself, and am now sitting here before the computer talking to you!

This is quite miraculous! I slept for seven and a half hours last night! I almost feel like a normal person!

(This next part is kind of weird...I only drank 1/2 mug of coffee, then poured it out. I am currently sipping on ice water!)

I am fully aware that my body may reject my current plan of action later in the day...but I am already victorious! And even better, I am sitting in a perfectly quiet house, listening to the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard, the ticking of the clock, and the sound of cars whooshing by. I almost can't remember the house being so still, quiet and peaceful. And I don't feel the urge to take a nap!

It's a new week today...and I am claiming it right now, in Jesus' name, It's going to be a good week!

Ill-prepared

2011-09-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter is starting 10th grade this year, and she is considering colleges and what she wants to do for a career. This exercise took me back to my own years in high school, and college prep. And I quickly realized that I am ill-prepared for so much.

I took the SATs in sixth or seventh grade and did exceptionally well. In high school, I took the PSATs, and judging from the college literature I received, I must have done well. I regularly got mail from MIT, Duke, and other fine colleges. I secretly decided that no school within a 12 hour drive would work. I had to get out, and away...as far away as possible.

I took the ACTs because all the church colleges I was considering required the ACTs in addition to the SATs. It didn't seem like I'd need both. I didn't know how well I had done until some 10 years later when a community college admissions counselor called to ask me if I had meant to have my scores sent to them. Apparently, community colleges don't get many students with a super high score. If only I'd know that when I was in high school...

But I was ill-prepared. Although I had talked to counselors at several schools and been verbally offered a free ride based on my scores, grades, and intended subject matter, my applications never made it to a single one of those schools. For years I thought it was irresponsibility on my part. Now that I have a high school aged child of my own, I realize that nothing could be further from the truth.

So much of the real world and life outside of childhood I was robbed of preparation for. I remember my aunt teasing me when I attempted to make a tossed salad just after I'd graduated high school. I don't think she realized I had never made a salad before in my life. You're supposed to wash the lettuce first? And tear the leaves in small pieces? I had never witnessed this being done or tried to do it on my own. I did what seemed like it made sense. I just missed the details.

This is true about so many areas of my life. I go out with the best intentions, but there is the element of detailed preparation that I am not privy to. I give it my all, and on some level I don't measure up or I flat out fail. And I hate the feeling of failure. At some point, I stop wanting to try something I don't know. Cooking. Home decor. Sewing. Life skills that I never learned.

But I believe that I can learn these skills...even if it's late. My request? Please don't tease me when I ask you how often to wash the sheets on our beds. I'm excited to have sheets that match for all the beds! Don't laugh at me when I do something in a long-drawn out manner that you have a magic shortcut for. Most likely, no one has shown me how to do this thing...and I'm just experimenting with the process. Kindly suggest that it might be easier if...

I know one thing: I will do everything I can to make sure that my children are well-prepared when they leave our home. They can choose their way, but I want to make sure they have the tools to succeed no matter where they go. There is no greater goal as a parent than to prepare your children for life!

Blessed to be me

2011-08-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

I had a recent phone conversation with another COH, and it led me to ponder the exhilarating and terrifying ride my life has been over the last two years, since I CHOSE to help my mother and be in her life in a major way. And I had only one thought, over and over:

I have been so blessed!

I love and serve God, but sometimes I don't understand why He chooses to work things out the way He does. I know people who lived long lives in pain, while I've known youngster who died suddenly. I've seen families suffer for years, while others seem to be raking in the blessings. I don't understand it. But I trust in this:

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)

And I realize that I've gotten more than my fair share. I'm humbled eternally by that knowledge.

Thank you, Father.

Self-Explanatory

2011-08-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Please stand by...blogging will resume shortly. Right now, I must put my time and energy toward another GREAT hoarding related endeavor.

But rest assured, I will be back. Please don't picture Arnold saying that, okay?

Prayers and positive thoughts to all of you!

Enough Already

2011-08-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, I just realized that you probably thought I was going to be talking about Peter Walsh's show on OWN. *laughs* I'm so sorry, but that's all I am planning to say about that show!

I spend time each day pondering interactions, trying to understand my actions and thoughts, as well as those around me. It's exhausting! But it seems rather ingrained in me, as if I have already spent my whole life doing these things. But my desire to understand myself and others has morphed over the last couple of years. Where at one time I spent all my time second guessing my actions and fearing what others thought of me and if they were offended or angry at me, I now just try to make sense of who I am and how people interact with each other.

Being the deeply self-reflecting person that I am, and trying to really discover and embrace who I am, I have spent many hours working on overcoming the pain from my childhood, and the ripples into adulthood the original pebbles caused to spread out even after I left home. While deeply mired in that process, I began to feel better about myself, and now...

...worse.

One verse keeps coming to mind, and I'm sure it's divine intervention:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

All I can think is that God loves me as I am right now. I'm not perfect, I'm far from where I want to be, but I'm more than I once was. And yet, Christ died for me a long time ago...knowing exactly what I would face, where I would stumble, who I would offend, and all the mistakes I would commit. If He loved me that much back then, He loves me that much more as I struggle to become healthy, whole, and more like Him.

We all have bad days. We all have times where we feel like what we've done isn't enough, or that we've done too much. But I am going to keep reminding myself of this verse...

...because in God's eyes, I'm enough already.

So are you.

PS. I apologize for the weird formatting...technical challenges...got to love them. But I want this out there...someone needs to be reminded :)

If only life had a "Like" button

2011-08-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Last night, when I checked into Facebook, I noticed that I had 15 notifications. I thought that especially high considering I'd be online not three hours before. I wondered as I looked at the bright red notification flag what event sparked my suddenly popularity.
Read more »

Another dirty word...depression

2011-08-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

I keep going back and forth on whether to write this...but I think my fear should be overcome. Plus, I believe that if I can do this, there's a possibility that someone else may benefit from my honesty, no matter how painful.
Read more »

Everything I know about parenting I learned on "Caillou"

2011-08-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

Okay...so I didn't learn EVERYTHING I know about parenting from watching "Caillou", but you might be surprised how much I did learn from Caillou and Rosie's mom.

This morning, while having coffee with a dear friend, we were discussing recovery and change. Neither one of us had ideal parenting roles modeled for us, and we are both painfully aware that because of this, we struggle with parenting our own children. I can't speak for my friend, but I know that a realization has occurred in my own life--I was BOUND to become the same kind of parent that my mother had been, for one simple reason:

I knew nothing else.

And while I was BOUND to become the same kind of parent, this knowledge also set me free from BEING that kind of parent. Once I realized that I was ill-equipped to be any kind of parent except what I had seen in my childhood, I also realized that I could find a different, healthier model and follow it. For me, that kind of parenting was most often represented through the families on the shows my small children watched, shows like "Caillou".

It would be a lie to say that my mother never nurtured me, but my memories are stronger of criticism and judgement. I copied this with my children for far too long. But my children actually played a large role in my awareness that I needed to change. I am so grateful that my children, in naivete, found it within themselves to call me on my harsh spirit and critical heart.

I'm not a perfect mom. No one is. But I know today that I can be a better mother than what I experienced growing up. And I strive each day to be more loving, more supportive, more encouraging with my children than I was five years ago, five months, even FIVE MINUTES ago! And that is what recovery is...a process toward being better and healthier.

What moment encouraged you to become more/better/healthier in your relationships? Please share!

ATTN: Spokane COH--1st ACH Meeting tonight!

2011-08-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

Please forward and tweet this message to all your peeps! (Okay...that lingo doesn't really work for me...but I tried. Give me half credit for trying!)

Tonight is the FIRST ever meeting of Adult Children of Hoarders (ACH) Spokane!

We're meeting at: 5025 N. Market (in Hillyard)

from: 7-8:30pm

We will continue to assemble on

the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month.

With explicit permission, we will be using the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) literature until we have had an opportunity to build our own. It is MY hope that the group will be able to support expansion to other cities and states. Be patient. The ACA book is 645 pages...the workbook alone is 150! I can't do it all alone! But we haven't forgotten COH in other areas!

If you're a COH in the Spokane/Post Falls/Coeur d'Alene area, I hope you join us tonight!

The power of a secret

2011-08-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Growing up in the hoard, I don't remember my mom ever telling me NOT to tell other people what our house looked like. It was just understood by other actions that this wasn't something to be discussed at Sunday School, during classes, or even at family dinners. It was our "dirty little secret".
Read more »

More about hoarding...from a COH perspective

2011-08-06T00:18:00.000-07:00

I've been very fortunate to meet and work with some fantastic people over the last two years, including trips to the Mental Health Association-San Francisco's Hoarding and Cluttering Conference last March, and more recently the International OCD Foundation Annual Conference just last weekend in San Diego. Because of this, I've sat in on many speeches about hoarding, the most recent research, and because I grew up with a hoarder, I am an expert on my mother's hoarding.

I realize that the viewpoints on the internet are skewed horribly. It's easy to say really harsh, mean things when one is protected by an alias, avatar, and a computer screen. And yet, since I see so many inaccurate statements made about hoarding, I thought I would share what I've pieced together from the research, my experiences, and my mother's admissions.

Read more »

Research Project: COH, growing up in the hoard

2011-08-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

Given the press that is going out today regarding tonight's 20/20 piece on children of hoarders, I thought it would be a great time to share again:

Dr. Suzanne Chabaud-- one of the therapists who specializes in OCD and hoarding, and is regularly a part of "Hoarders"--is conducting a research study on the effects on children who grow up with a hoarding parent. At this point, there has been very little (read...almost none) research on the effects to the family. It would seem easy to say, "Duh...this should be obvious...it HAS to have an effect...", but science doesn't work that way.

Dr. Chabaud has already done phase one of her research, but the next part is a larger format survey, and she is still actively seeking participants who would be willing to complete an anonymous survey. I hope that YOU will consider being a part of this landmark study.

[I know it might seem pointless...like science is going to collect this data and drop it neatly on shelf and mark it done. I have met with Dr. Chabaud and can share with great confidence that this information will not sit in a stack of academic journals growing dusty. The point of this research is to put a face and a voice to the issue AND to create resources for COH who have grown up in the hoard, or are growing up there now. Please consider emailing Dr. Chabaud!]

ABC's 20/20 TOMORROW night: Children of Hoarders

2011-08-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I am excited by the ABC 20/20 segment coming up tomorrow night! Jessie Sholl, the author of "Dirty Secret"--a memoir about growing up with a hoarding parent (HP) and I have become friend "virtual friends" via Facebook and the Children of Hoarders website and related Yahoo! group. Also, Jason Brunet (Three Ninjas' musician and son of "Hoarders" participant, Augustine) will be featured on the segments.

Slowly but surely, our story--the story of what happens when children grow up with stuff that is more important than they are, with parents whose mental health isn't just quite there, whose homes are filthy, cluttered, and sometimes infested--is being shared. I personally believe that without shows like "Hoarders" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive", the public would not be ready or willing to hear our stories.

Our stories are not neat and tidy; they are not fairy tales; they are not pretty; they stink, they invoke a desire to vomit, and to run home and throw away as many things as possible. And yet, I am honored to be counted among these COHs (children of hoarders) because they have something fantastic, strong, and beautiful within them:

They are strong survivors, intelligent and resourceful.

It's been said that what doesn't break us makes us stronger. Very cliche, I know...but in this case, so true!

Please, tune in to ABC Friday evening at 10PM EDT/9PM CDT (check listings locally), or DVR it if you have big Friday night plans. And if you're in Spokane and realize...hey, I'm a COH...

Join us Tuesday night at 7pm for a peer-to-peer recovery/support group!

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--ACH Spokane

2011-08-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

Since the new group starts next Tuesday, I felt like repeating the information on Awareness Day was apropos. I hope that if this describes you or someone you know, you will join us.

NEXT TUESDAY--AUGUST 9TH!
A new support/recovery group for children of hoarders (COH) in the Spokane area. It will meet on the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month thereafter.

Location: 5025 N. Market in Hillyard
Time: 7:00pm until 8:30pm.
For more info call: 509-434-8874
Email: achspokane@gmail.com

There is no cost to be a part of the group, although donations will be accepted to offset the cost of using the facility.

Hoarding--it's not about the STUFF

2011-07-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

Since I've become so open with my childhood and the family secret, I am often asked why all the stuff in the house was so bad. It's easy to look at a pile of boxes and bags sliding down atop the boxes filled with craft supplies and books, and not understand why this was so difficult.

Very simply, it's not about the STUFF.

Research indicates that almost all those who suffer with hoarding compulsions have another issue--mental illness, or brain injury. Hoarding is not THE issue; it's a physically manifested symptom of an internal problem.

My take on it is simple. The stuff does one of two things:

1. The grand chaos of things is a reflection of an internal chaos in the brain. Many of our HPs have an inability to sort in a "normal" way. Instead of overgeneralizing things into groups, hoarders have a tendency toward "over-specification" (My word for everything being too unique to actually be the same as something else. I'm sure there is a more professional term, but I'm not a professional--bear with me!)

2. Things are a source of insulation, protection. For the HP who has been hurt deeply by trauma, unresolved grief, or other loss, the amassed stuff represents the mote of a castle and the stone walls that protect the kingdom within. My own mother was very unaware that she was building this fortress although it was quite obvious to me.

I do think that for hoarders who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), it may be possible that neither of these holds true. However, I could be wrong. It might still hold true for them.

The problem with having all this stuff when you're growing up is this:

I often felt like I was the only THING in the house that didn't have value. My needs were second to desires to acquire. My wants were second to her whims. My possessions rarely belonged to me. Everything was joint property, including the spaces in my bedroom. Children developmentally need boundaries, but these are non-existent in the home of a HP.

I didn't leave because there was too much stuff, or because the house was filthy. I left because I didn't have the same value as these things, and I'd spent years being reminded of just how true that was. In a nutshell, that's it. And I knew the only way to become a whole, healthy person was to leave (although this was a subconscious understanding). Still, it would take me another 15 years to really face down the stuff and its meaning.

Flashback Week: "Where there's smoke there must be fire"

2011-07-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Okay...so either the same person read this post over and over and over again...or this was something that struck a chord with others. I'm really hoping it's the latter...although since I got no direct comments, the numbers speak for themselves. (That, or as I've always feared, I have a stalker!)

I wrote this back in mid-2010, "Where there's smoke there must be fire", but thought that since I have picked up new readership, it might be worth it to share it again.

Please, just take a moment to drop even an anonymous comment so that I know you're out there...Blessings today!

Flashback Week: "Do I Hoard?"

2011-07-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

This week, I'm...well, I'm quite busy travelling with COH awareness things! But, I know that many of you check in regularly, so I didn't want to leave you with blank space. I hope you enjoy the opportunity to read some of the earliest posts I made here.

To read "Do I Hoard?" (12/24/2009), click HERE!

Enjoy...don't forget to leave a comment or say hi!

A Good Weekend

2011-07-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Growing up, my weekend usually involved spending most of the day Saturday with my mom and my grandmother at my grandmother's house. I adored Grammy, but at some point, I felt stifled by the routine, the escape to a "normal" home. Honestly, my grandmother was a mild hoarder too. She never let her homes get to a point where things didn't work or people couldn't come in...but she kept things that probably had little or no value "because someday someone might need this."

Nowadays, I struggle with finding balance. I want my children to get to know their grandparents, but I struggle with forcing them to spend time away from their social circles. I know this, and I ask my husband to help me find balance. And he is wonderful to encourage me, or to tell me that I'm off the deep end. I try to always remain open to his input although sometimes I don't like what he says.

It's Friday, and I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend with a group of phenomenal COHs...it's going to be a good weekend!

What is your ideal weekend? What does it look like? How is it different from your childhood weekends??? Inquiring minds want to know!

Photo borrowed from Cajun Crawfish Pie

Lessez les bon temps roulez!

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--NJ Despres Enterprises

2011-07-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

If you are in the Rhode Island or Southeastern Massachusetts area and dealing with a hoarding parent, or perhaps you are struggling yourself, I want to recommend NJ Despres Enterprises.

I've never met Nicole, but I know that she and her team have a passion for helping those who are overwhelmed by their stuff. This is not a quick, two-day clean out like those featured on "Hoarders", because honestly, most situations do not preclude that kind of handling. The ones that do...well, you've seen those on TV (like my mom's house).

[I want to mention that Nicole has been a part of an episode of "Hoarding:Buried Alive"...in case you're wondering about credibility...]

But the reality is that MOST of those who are affected by cluttering/hoarding are not at that point. Because of shows like "Hoarders" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive" families and individuals have become aware of what is going on in their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

Believe it or not, I still get emails from people who didn't know that anyone else lived like this!

But back to topic...
If you are in RI or SE Massachusetts and need help, please contact NJ Despres Enterprises. I am confident that their team can help while respecting and honoring each person involved. And in the mean time..check out their blog!

I own it therefore I am...

2011-07-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

"crafts is a huge deal. Some hoarders do follow through, but rarely do they. the problem with crafts is it creates a quick "good" feeling for a hoarder when they originally do and complete the craft. What tends to happen is eventually, they hoarder gets the mental good feeling by planning and buying the supplies, but no longer need to follow through with the actual act. They think about making a blanket for a niece and how great it will be and how much the family will love them for making the blanket. eventually, the hoarder feels good without ever making the blanket and then the supplies build up because they feel good every time they think about making instead of following through. hope that makes sense.

crafts are VERY dangerous for hoarders." --cluttercleaner, on A&E "Hoarders" forum (Matt Paxton of Clutter Cleaner)

Among the most obvious reasons, I love Matt and his wit! He is often a little more "real" when it comes to dealing with hoarders and their situations which wins him praise week after week from viewers. Often viewers are harshly critical of the "professionals" on the show because they believe that they coddle the hoarder too much.

The above quote is from the A&E forum. Matt is often a guest after a show airs. His responses are just as real and funny (in an endearing sort of way) on the forum as he is on the show. The question posed to him was regarding the ability of a hoarder to find so many creative uses or "crafting possibilities" in an item that others would throw away.

This particular issue, crafting, was a big thing around my home. My mother always owned several sewing machines, and enough various supplies to start her own Joann's store. I have to admit that I don't remember seeing my mom out buying mass quantities of any one craft supply--she didn't compulsively buy, per se. But I do remember watching her buy the same item over and over because she couldn't find the one she'd already purchased.

I also remember my mom starting a new craft regularly. As a kid, it's somewhat cool to have a crafty parent. My mom took classes and learned new types of crafts all the time. With each new craft, there was the requisite stock-up of necessary supplies. I remember learning to do silk-screen painting one year. It was really cool for the first 15 minutes. But I also remember my mom dropping a fair amount of money on silk and special paints so that we do more after the workshop, and yet, I don't remember finishing a piece or turning it into something usable EVER.

In the book, "Buried in Treasures", written by Dr. David Tolin, Randy Frost, and Gail Steketee (considered among the top professionals in the field of compulsive hoarding), their is a similar discussion about the thought processes that make crafting (and many other hobbies) very dangerous for a hoarder. They speak of the association a hoarder makes with owning the supplies much in the same way that a normal person would associate based on an action. For a hoarder, owning a sewing machine and lots of sewing supplies makes them a seamstress, or very crafty. They do not have to do a project, let alone complete one, for them to see themselves as a seamstress or quilter.

This reminds me of the quote:
"Just because you are sitting in a garage doesn't make you a car..."

Obviously, most people associate themselves by what they do. For instance, I own a sewing machine (and do know how to use it) but I don't see myself as being a crafter, seamstress, or quilter. I could be one of those things if I put my time into learning, doing, and finishing sewing projects. However, I use my sewing machine most often to sew on scouting badges or hem skirts. That makes me little more than a housewife with basic sewing skills.

In male hoarders, we often see a similar issue with DIY projects and supplies. We saw Bill in Season One of "Hoarders" who had a large home filled with building supplies for projects that he had "yet to complete", or in fact to begin. He saw himself as a DIYer because he owned the tools and supplies to complete a myriad of projects around the house. The great catch is that he owned so many of these supplies that it would have been impossible to complete any of them.

I'm quite the opposite of my mother. I fear unfinished projects and clutter, so I don't try to learn new hobbies. I have a few hobbies I practice, and at times even those leave me with some anxiety. But I don't call myself a "couponer" because I try to save money; I'm not a scrapbooker just because I put together a beautiful album for my husband of our lives together. I'm me, and I enjoy doing these things.

But many like my mom see their possessions as defining them, and being fiercely possessive of these things. It's like taking away the yarn from the crafter is equivalent to cutting off their hands! And such is the struggle with convincing our parents to part with their things. And really, would you give up part of your identity???

How you know you're making progress

2011-07-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

After filming "Hoarders" back in October 2009, I found some really raw wounds from my childhood that I had hidden relatively well with band-aids which had now been stripped and left open. I found myself faced with horrible memories that I had almost forgotten, but the events of cleaning out my mother's home and moving her across the country brought them flooding back.

I spent hours all but hyperventilating realizing that I had agreed to move my mother to the same city I was living in after consciously choosing to leave home and staying as far away as possible. Sometimes, when I thought about my decision, it was almost hard to breathe.

I identified the root of my anxiety, and began to work through my brokenness. I call it recovery, although many think recovery is only for those who are addicted. But I was addicted. I was addicted to the broken ways I'd learned growing up, and I continued to make the same choices over and over even though the results were always the same, and never what I wanted. I think that's called insanity in some circles.

For almost two years now, I've spent hours, days, months pondering what I learned growing up--how those learned behaviors have helped me and also how they've harmed me. I've learned that when I don't know a different way, just try anything. Failure is the inability to keep trying, not a bad result.

So how do I know I've made progress???

1. I can tell my mother and others when I feel as though my safe boundaries are being compromised. It stills gives me anxiety to stand up for myself at times, but I press through.

2. I can let others take care of things that I used to have to control. I can let the kids put the dishes away without going back and rearranging them. I can tell others that I can't do something. I don't have to do everything, nor do I want to, by myself anymore.

3. I don't fear authorities figures the same way. I'm not afraid to tell my mother the hard stuff, or my husband, my pastor, etc. Now, I'm pretty sure if I get pulled over for a moving violation, I will begin to cry still. I've made progress...I have not yet arrived!

4. I've learned to admit my failures, mistakes, and shortcomings and to ask for forgiveness. I don't always get forgiveness, but if I've admitted my poor behavior sincerely and asked, I am absolved of my tendency to mess things up. I can sleep whether I am given forgiveness or not when I know that I'm truly sorry and have repented.

Honestly, there are many ways that I know I'm making progress. I could probably post everyday for a month and never cover it all. But I also know I still have a long way. I still step on others' feelings and rights more than I'd like; I can be selfish and self-serving; I still want to be in control in situations where I shouldn't be or really can't be in control.

But I'm making progress...what about you? I'd love to know where you are at...

UPDATE NOTE: As is my luck, I got pulled over while driving in Louisiana (again). BUT...I had no panic attacks and did not cry. Oh, and even better...no ticket, just a verbal questioning...I think he just wanted my autograph! [7/24/2011]

A Love/Hate Relationship with Travel

2011-07-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Growing up in the hoard, I loved every opportunity to escape. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had flown several places alone for church events and music festivals. I loved going places!

But going places was often a double-edged sword. I made plans and told my mother where I was going, but more than once, I returned home to an angry and enraged mother who swore she didn't know where I was or when I'd be back. No matter how much I went over my plans with her, this could happen at anytime. And those returns weren't pleasant at all. (These were never trips...just outings with friends for a couple of hours.)

Somehow though, my mind was able to falsely transfer the anxiety I felt every time I walked out the door without my mother to travelling. Even as a married adult with children of her own, I would get deep anxiety every time I left for a trip. I was waiting for someone to yell at me, "I didn't know where you were! How dare you leave and not tell me?"

This anxiety is fruitless. It does nothing positive or helpful for me. But it's still rearing its ugly head as I prepare for TWO trips. This is frustrating because I've worked on this issue quite a bit in the last two years. We do travel frequently, and I self-talk and focus on breathing techniques, pray until the anxiety goes away.

But it's back! And it's back EARLY! I have almost a week left until I leave and I am on edge. My stomach feels queasy; I've lost my appetite; I'm feeling stressed out by every item in the house that is out of place. It's trying to beat me!

But I won't let it happen. I won't let this beat me, rob me of an exciting experience, or stop me. I will cling instead to a promise:

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." --Philippians 4:13

And I will overcome and have a great time!

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--Adult Children of Hoarders Spokane

2011-07-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

It's been announced elsewhere already, but this is the first official announcement of the new support/recovery group for children of hoarders (COH) in the Spokane area. It will begin on Tuesday, August 9th and meet on the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month thereafter.

It will meet at 5025 N. Market in Hillyard from 7:00pm until 8:30pm.

Here is a brief description of what I found in myself that needed reworking:

HOUSE RULES—Broken laws from childhood:
(Adapted from “The Laundry List” of ACA WSO)

1. Be afraid, very afraid and stay away from people, especially authority figures.

2. It's safer to make others happy than risk having a need; our identity isn't that important anyway.

3. I'll do anything to keep you from yelling or getting angry with me, and please don't criticize me.

4. We often become like our parents, marry people who are like them, or find another compulsive/obsessive personality because we are terrified of being left behind.

5. We've learned to be victims and we're attracted by that weakness in all our relationships.

6. Everything is our responsibility or fault; we care for others because it's easier than looking at our own faults.

7. If I stand up for myself, I will die from the guilt of hurting or inconveniencing others.

8. We became addicted to fear, excitement, or drama and are uncomfortable when things are smooth sailing.

9. We confuse love with pity and tend to choose unhealthy relationships because we can pity or rescue, or think we can.

10. Feelings aren't safe. I don't have to feel that. Denial is better than pain, even if it costs me happiness.

11. I am my own worst critic; I shouldn't try because I'll just fail. I'm good for nothing.

12. I'd rather let you make me feel bad, hurt me, or use me than to risk losing your love and facing abandonment. I'll do anything if you will just stay.

13. I react instead of acting; I don't have much ownership of life and my choices. I can only react to what you've done.

If you're in the Spokane area, and this sounds like you, please join us!

For more info, please email: achspokane@gmail.com
or call: 509-434-8874

To be revealed at a later time...

2011-07-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

Romans 8:18-21

For years I've watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with deep interest. Given my background, I've always been awed by beautiful "perfect" homes. And nothing is as satisfying as watching a home that is falling apart be torn down, and a new home rebuilt in just seven short days.

There is so much symbolism in this to the Christian faith--our lives without faith and hope are like the sad little houses that these families pray will survive just another day. And when we have a spiritual awakening, it's like someone or something comes in to tear down the shambles our lives have become, and then after a short period of time, something magical happens--we find that there is strength and beauty within the horrible trials and tragedies we've faced.

It's as though we have been living life, pressing through but not thriving, only for the best of us to be revealed at a later time...

If only it took just seven short days to remake a life!

But in faith, we can believe that a change can be immediate and life-changing. It can be all encompassing. We may fail or stumble at times. Our new life may need repairs along the way. No matter how well built a new home is, at some point it requires maintenance and repairs.

And that's okay. We have been promised that God will stay with us, even until the end of days. He will make any necessary repairs with the help of the Holy Spirit, and will keep us maintained in His Word and by prayer.

And I can't wait to see exactly what this little insignificant life will be when it is fully revealed someday. I hope for the transformation of strength and beauty that only God can do in my life.

What about you?

Overwhelming Victory

2011-07-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Romans 8:19-39

During my quiet time in the Word this morning, I decided to look for verses that spoke of freedom. My biggest struggle on a day to day basis is remaining free, casting off the things in my life that would love to keep me bound up--clutter, unhealthy habits, too many commitments, codependent relationships. Everyone experiences these kind of things in their day to day journey.

But I know that God has promised me freedom and liberty. I needed...no, I CRAVED...a reminder of the freedom Jesus purchased for me. And yet, I struggled with that freedom, feeling like sometimes I'm unable to bask in my freedom.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (v.35)

(As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) (v.36)

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.(v.37)

I'm all for overwhelming victory! I need it each day. When my past sneaks up behind me and tries to convince me that I'm no good, that I don't matter, that I will never amount to much, I have this promise: Overwhelming victory is mine through Christ who loves me!

And that is all I need some days to press on and fight with the demons of the past. I just need the knowledge that the battle isn't over...and I'm going to win in the end. Nothing about my childhood, my teen years or even my days as an adult are going to defeat me. My mother's hoarding and unhealthy childhood are nothing compared to what is promised to me. Today, I'm clinging to the promise!

Stuff...and the anxiety it causes me

2011-07-11T14:59:00.000-07:00

I'm confident that this is a side effect of "growing up in the hoard," but I have a special love/hate relationship with things. I would "love" to have some things that I don't, and I hate having as much as I do. But I'm not a hoarder, and really, my home is typical of most American homes. But I hate having things that don't have a purpose.

For instance, I have a few "knick knacks" around the house, but they don't do anything--they don't even have memories attached to them. I feel like I'm abnormal if I don't have these things, and yet having to dust them when they just sit there and "look pretty" is irritating.

I am definitely a minimalist at heart. I love IKEA. I call their showroom my happy place. I want simple, intentional design.

But at special events--birthdays and holidays--shopping for me is maddening. I say this because I have another birthday coming up and my hubby is once again asking me what I want. And I look at him frustrated because I know there is NO thing that will make my day special. I'd love an iPad, but I know that it is a thing that will give me very short term satisfaction and instead will become something I curse before long. I have no need for more jewelry, and I'm the pickiest clothing shopper around.

How do you ask for memories??? I want memories that are so awesome I want to write them down and record them for all posterity. That's what I want. That gives me no anxiety and I know I will not decide some day down the line when the level of stuff around causes me anxiety (as it is today) to get rid of those writings, pictures and the memory.

I have NO things on my fire list. NO things in life are that important to me. My memories are always with me, and my family is the most important part of my life that can't be replaced.

Stuff...is just stuff, and most of it is just junk.

Hope

2011-07-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

At the end of last week's follow-up episode, you can hear part of my interview. The basic gist of the message is: As long as you still have time, there is still hope.

Hope is a tough thing to explain. For me, hope is simply the belief that things can get better, no matter how bad they are. This kind of hope is fueled by my faith, but I know other people who also share in this kind of hope who do not practice religion or spirituality.

A new support/recovery group is coming to Spokane, and we will likely use a model of the 12 steps for our group. Discussion in the past has been that the inclusion of "a Higher Power" or "God as we know him" would eliminate some from the group. I really struggled with that because I have felt left out by the simple fact that my mother is a hoarder, not an alcoholic or an addict. Society has not really recognized YET that Children of Hoarders (COH) have a need for identity.

I believe that a group will help with that. Additionally, there is a landmark study of COH going on right now. I believe that the info gleaned from this research will help too. So what about the faith component???

Here is where I'm at. If I were capable of changing and healing myself, I would have done it already. I wouldn't need support or recovery. But the fact is that I do! So I encourage anyone who is concerned about the inclusion of a "Higher Power" or a "God as I know Him" to ask themselves if they can do this without something external.

The external does not need to be the God of the Bible, Allah, Buddha, or any other god of organized religion. It can be as simple as looking at a doorknob, knowing that on the other side of the door is where healing is, and choosing that doorknob to be symbolic of a higher power--it's going to get you to the other side.

And, of course, there may be some who just don't want to get involved with that. And that is their choice. I will respect it. But I will not fear exclusion anymore. Everyone is welcome here...but YOU have to make the choice for yourself.

You can sell hope, but it doesn't mean everyone is buying.

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

2011-07-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Hoarding rarely happens without some other mental illness present. Back in March, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the Mental Health Association of San Francisco Institute on Compulsive Hoarding and Cluttering's 13th Annual Conference. Dr. Christiana Bratiotis (Ph.D, LCSW) was the keynote speaker, and she shared new findings from a brand new study.

One of the things they shared was the co-morbidity (indicates a medical condition existing simultaneously but independently with another condition in a patient) of hoarding and other mental illnesses:

In a group of 217 subjects, those affected by other disorders and the breakdown:

Major Depressive Disorder 69.1%
Social Phobias 28.3%
Generalized Anxiety Disorder 24.9%
Specific Phobias 16.1%
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 12.4%
Substance Abuse 12.0%
Bipolar Disorder 1.4%
Panic Disorder 1.4%
Eating Disorder 1.4%

(Frost, Steketee, Tolin, Glossner. 2011--Comorbidity in hoarding disorder)

Of course, this is a very small sample, but it still shows that depression and related disorders occur with hoarding in large numbers. In my family, I know that bipolar and depression are present. But in many circles and families, admitting to having depression is seen as a character flaw. It's estimated that 1 in 5 Americans will suffer from depression at some point in their lives.

I truly believe that depression magnifies hoarding tendencies.

If you, or someone you love, seem to be suffering from depression, you are not alone. There are lots of resources available, and I highly recommend starting here, at the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.

I am battling depression myself. It doesn't make me a bad person. It simply means that my "glass half full" outlook tends to be flooded by fatigue and a sense of hopelessness and being overwhelmed. But I recognize its symptoms in myself, I seek counseling and if necessary medication. I don't have to suffer in silence. No one does, and no one should.

Busy week...Today, I'm over here...

2011-07-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, honestly, Geralin has been fabulous! She allowed me to guest blog on her business blog--Metropolitan Organizing--out of Cary, NC. Just a sneak peek into what growing up in the midst of hoarding is like for the children...

Meet Ceci Garrett--She's the Adult Child of a Hoarder

Also, I have decided to move into the 21st Century and join Twitter. You can follow me by searching:

1WeeSpark

Thanks again for all the love, prayers, and kind words!

I'm not hiding...I'm over here today!

2011-07-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

So last night the follow-up episode featuring my mother aired. I think it was a great success, just as she has been! Today, I'm on the discussion board at A&E...here.

Stop by and say hi...
Happy short workweek!

Countdown's Over!

2011-07-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I realize that I'm probably the only one who has been counting this down....

...but tonight is "Hoarders" Season 2 Follow-Up Episode, featuring my mother, and also me!

Now I realize that most of you have plans since it's the 4th of July, but don't forget to set your DVR to record the episode BEFORE you leave. Additionally, I will be on the A&E Forum tomorrow after the show, and later in the week I've been asked to guest blog!

All this is happening as I put together the literature for a new support/recovery group here in Spokane--Adult Children of Hoarders--which begins on Tuesday, August 9th, meeting every 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month. Watch for more details!

I'm also starting a women's freedom group, called Intensify! which will be on the 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month starting in August. The mission of this group will be finding peace and freedom in our daily lives as God promised, following the Biblical foundation that led the Oxford Group and eventually the 12 Steps of AA. I have been wanting to take the journey of recovery and freedom to the masses.

God has brought other opportunities to my door and I will be very busy the rest of the summer, but I will be here posting. I hope you will take the time to post a comment. I love the encouragement!

Enjoy the freedom life in this great country affords us today!
(And don't forget to set your DVR for tonight!!!!)

By His Stripes

2011-07-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

For every wound, every tear that I've cried, one thing has remained constant...

Even when I was devastated, hopeless, tired, weary beyond reason, He held me. He wiped away my tears. And He promises me healing every day:

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was on him; and with his stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

This is what will hold my heart and enable me to face each moment that I cannot on my own. What is holding your heart today?

(Photo borrowed from Georgy at www.turnbacktogod.com)

URGENT: Please help! AWARENESS, PT. 2

2011-06-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Please read the following article from the NAMI blogs, and respond by emailing your Congressional representatives by following the link at the bottom. It will do all the hard work for you. Seriously, we're talking about not more than 10 minutes of your life. And I know...I KNOW!...that if you're reading my blog, mental health care/issues are important to you.

Medicaid and the Threat to our Nation’s Health
By Michael Fitzpatrick, NAMI Executive Director

If you follow the news, you are well aware that policy makers in Washington are currently meeting, discussing and debating measures to control spending and address the federal budget deficit.

The debate right now is taking place in the context of Congress needing to raise the national debt limit by August 2—or otherwise default on loans, which would impact the world economy.

What you may not realize is that the intense debate includes proposals that would result in huge cuts to Medicaid, The proposals would greatly threaten the already fragile mental health care system for people living with mental illness.

These decisions are being made now as fierce negotiations take place. Waiting until August for the outcome will be too late.

Consider the scope:

2.5 million youth and adults with serious mental illness on Medicaid are eligible on the basis of mental illness.

7.5 million Americans receive life saving mental health services through Medicaid in a given year.

Medicaid is one of the largest funders of mental health services, paying for over 50 percent of all publicly funded treatment and services for people living with mental illness.

The key proposal being debated today—which the U.S. House of Representatives has already passed—would “cap” the amount of federal funding each state receives to cover these services, regardless of need. This proposal to “block grant” Medicaid will “save” the federal government money, but risks and costs will only be shifted to the states and, consequently, to our local communities.

The lives of millions are at stake.

The result of Congressional discussions determine the outcome for Medicaid and, thus, will have a tremendous impact on our already fragile mental health care system. Millions of Americans with mental illness are at risk of losing vital safety net services, basic health care, access to life saving medications and more.

For those of us who advocate tirelessly for people with mental illness, now is the time to contact our U.S. Senators and Representatives.

Our message: Medicaid must be protected for vulnerable youth and adults living with serious mental illness.

Oppose converting Medicaid into a block grant, do not place caps on Medicaid funding for people with mental illness and ensure access to lifesaving care.

Tough times require smart decisions. We must take action to protect our nation’s health.

Do your part...send your representatives an email by simply clicking here!

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--NAMI

2011-06-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it's already Thursday again? I can't! June has flown by!

Mental illness still carries a heavy stigma. Even with the wealth of research and information that is available, there still seems to be an archaic view that those who have mental illnesses are "crazy", "paranoid", "social outcasts".

Those of us who have a parent who hoards have spent our lives in the midst of untreated mental health issues. We know how unfair the stigma is, and how devastating the effects an untreated mental health issue can be to everyone who comes into contact with the person who is affected.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is a national organization which advocates for those affected by serious mental illnesses. They raise money for research, offer education and support programs, and best of all...they may be in your neighborhood!

Their website, www.nami.org, is a great place to find information about different disorders too! Check them out, and consider raising funds for their organization in one of their annual walks!

Not an Old Dog! Still Learning New Tricks!

2011-06-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I learned and perfected some really bad ways of interacting with people and the world. I wish I could say that immediately upon leaving home and the craziness of the hoard, I suddenly realized this and poof! I changed these broken ways. But that's not the case. In fact, it's really been just in the last two years that I've taken taken my thoughts captive (II Corinthians 10:5).

It's not an easy process. First I have had to identify a broken habit as just that. For instance--this is really a very simple and silly example, but it's a great place to start--not giving my husband directions every time we go somewhere together and he is driving. This is a control issue.

I realized that I had to go "my way"--not that it was right or wrong (all-or-nothing thinking). It was just my way, and I felt most comfortable when I was in control. There was no underlying issue for my safety. In fact, my husband is a far more conservative driver than I am. It wasn't even an issue of time. I try to live as much of my life without strict time guidelines as possible. It was simply that I needed to be in control.

So I stopped telling him where to turn. At first it was very difficult. I would say nothing, but it was as though I became blind. My mind returned to the same path I had always taken. I grasped the door handle and the belt buckle, white knuckled the whole time. I don't remember exactly how wrong I experienced this, but I know that it wasn't that long before I realized I was seeing the world around me, in new eyes.

When I stopped controlling, sat back, relaxed, and took in the scenery, I saw yards and trees, houses and cliffs that I had never seen before. And these were all within a mile of my home on streets I had driven over and over!

Overcoming a broken practice is an experiment. It often causes anxiety at first. It may be painful even. But in time, the anxiety fades and a new feeling takes up home in your heart--peace. In fact, now I love letting my husband drive because I know I'm going to see something I've missed before. He can't see for me, but he can drive allowing me the freedom to "sight-see" wherever we go.

Need encouragement as you identify a broken way of doing things, and learning a new healthy way?

I can do all this through him who gives me strength!

Father, I cannot even count the broken parts of me that I've given to you, and searched for something better and healthier. I am in awe of your patience with me as I struggle through this journey. I am grateful for your kindness when I don't get it. I am in debt to your love, grace, and forgiveness which allow me to be a child, making mistakes but not facing full consequences for them. Thank you! Please be with all those reading this who have felt the need to learn a better way as they experiment with new scenarios and habits. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

I Never Knew You At All

2011-06-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

I grew up in the Church. My second family was the group of people who made their way each Sunday to Holy Cross Lutheran. Some I felt I knew very well; others only casually. I once overheard someone joke that they could tell if you were a visitor at church by whether you knew my mom and me.

Because of the conditions of our house, Mom and I spent most of our time elsewhere. Even then, at some level, my mother must have been acutely aware that her house was symbolic of her earthly struggles. She withdrew to the home only when there were no other options, or she was withdrawing from life in general.

We were in church more days a week than we were not.

I learned about God from an early age. I remember learning and memorizing the liturgies from the red hymnal, and later the green. I think I went to every VBS held from age six through fourteen--first as a student, later as a helper. On the surface, I knew God. I had taken catechism in middle school, read through my Bible many times, and felt the Spirit's move in my life from time to time.

But my ability to relationally know God was stunted by my life's circumstance. To borrow a line from Addison Road's song, "What Do I Know of Holy?":

I knew all the stories
And I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
But those were just empty words on a page

As an adult, I wandered. I had trouble connecting in new churches. I had been the precious sweetheart of the congregation growing up, covered in prayer by nearly a hundred people a week, I'm sure. I firmly believe that more people knew the struggles I was fighting than I could have grasped back then. I mean, we drove the hoard-mobile to church every Sunday, and I was the ultimate people pleaser.

But God knew me, even if I didn't truly know Him. He kept His hand upon me the whole time. And my world spun completely out of control, when my life became unmanageable, when I hit bottom, He was there to catch me.

And I knew just enough to run to Him, lacking a better solution to where I was in this tough journey called life....

Over the last two years, my ideas of God have changed dramatically. For the first time, I have learned how to crawl up into my Daddy's lap, rest my head on His shoulder and cry. I picture myself running up and jumping into His lap the same way my three-year-old daughter runs into my husband's lap. She loves to be there. She is loved and safe in her daddy's arms. No matter what she has done wrong, how she's hurt herself by ignoring his warnings, her daddy scoops her up and kisses, hugs, and loves on her.

My own father has never held me that way. Even now, thinking about this lack in my own three-year-old's heart makes me misty-eyed. Every little girl deserves the right to crawl up in her Daddy's lap.

God is so loving, that even when He corrects me, I want to be in His embrace. He reveals His law to me, not to rebuke me or control me, but to show my need for Him. As if after 30+ years I haven't figured out just how MUCH I need Him. He reminds me that the law doesn't save; it's a measure only. It is grace that has saved, that paid a price for me, that loved me every moment even when He was just words on a page.

And today, I can look back and say:

I never really knew YOU at all!

And it is my prayer that each day that passes, I can still look back at my journey, my path and growth and realize that I hardly knew Him at all...and strive to know Him better. And I'll hear Him say, "I always knew and loved you."

I'll rest in that knowledge, knowing that is enough.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: Hoarders

2011-06-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Next Monday is the 4th of July, and I'm quite sure you all aware of that. But more exciting for me and my family is the Season 2 Follow-up Episode of "Hoarders" that will air at 9pm EDT on A&E (Check your local listings for times).

For a sneak peek...go here to see a clip.

I can't tell you what's going on with everyone who is being followed, but I know that this episode is absolutely going to be worth watching...if for no reason than I'm on it!

(Okay, that last part is totally not me...but still, if you're reading this, maybe my appearance is reason enough to watch or DVR it!)

Out of my Control

2011-06-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

This week, I've found myself struggling with "the things I cannot change". Life is filled with these, but because of my experiences growing up, I really struggle with the "unknowns", with things I can't actually control. Sometimes it's more than just struggling with them, it's struggling to know that I CAN'T control them that tears apart my soul.

This week, it's just been tough to be aware that there are certain things that I can't control, and then just sit back and wait to see what will happen. Patience is NOT one of my strong suits.

This morning, however, I realized that there is one in the middle of this struggle that I CAN control, I CAN change:

My attitude

I've spent this week bemoaning within my soul the things I can't control, challenging the fairness of decisions that have been made, and wishing for other decisions to "hurry up and be made". I have voiced my frustrations to my husband, but I know my spirit is voicing my attitude to the world. Instead of knowing who I am and acknowledging all the good that has already happened, I've been more than willing to set aside my blessings and the miracles I've seen for one possibility I believe I should have.

I'm embarrassed by my own inability to focus on what really matters and appreciate all the good in my life right now. So today, I'm going to focus on what I have, all the things I don't deserve but have been given. I'm CHOOSING to have a better attitude.

What about you? What attitude are you holding onto that keeps you locked into the broken system of dysfunction? How can you change it? Are you willing to do it?

I dare you to!

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--OCD Foundation Annual Conference

2011-06-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

Next month in San Diego, California, the International OCD Foundation is having its Annual Conference. The conference is being held at the Sheraton San Diego Hotel and Marina on July 29-31.

At this time, compulsive hoarding is considered part of the OCD spectrum, although there is more and more evidence that hoarding may not be related to obsessive/compulsive disorders in the majority of people affected. It has been proposed to move hoarding out of the OCD spectrum in the DSM-V which will be published in 2012.

From the conference brochure:

Since 1993, the Annual IOCDF Conference has been the only national meeting focused solely on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and related disorders. This unique event allows people with OCD and their loved ones to learn about the latest OCD information alongside the mental health professionals who care for them.

As many as 1,200 attendees are expected to join us in San Diego. This year’s conference will feature more than 100 presentations, workshops, and seminars as
well as nearly twenty evening support groups. Our presenters include some of the most experienced and knowledgeable clinicians and researchers in the field, as
well as people with OCD and family members who are willing to share their stories.

I am very excited to have the opportunity to attend this year. I hope that my readers may consider trying to attend one of the future conferences if making this year's is not plausible. I'd love to see you there!

"Hoarders"--Follow Up Episode July 4th, 2011

2011-06-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I got the opportunity to share with a friend at my son's orthodontist some exciting news. Back in February, A&E/Screaming Fleas contacted me about the possibility of revisiting my mom and I for a follow-up episode. Since we have had great successes and seen much healing, we both jumped on the idea.

So here it is!

The follow-up episode we filmed will be aired on Monday, July 4th at 9pm EDT on A&E (check your local listings for channel and exact times). I promise that although you are probably planning to travel, barbecue or spend time with friends and family, you're going to want to set your DVRs to record this episode. I am not sure how many others will be revisited; the last update show featured four previous stories.

I'd love to have you all over to my place to watch it on the big screen TV, but alas...that's just not plausible. But do the next big thing and watch or record it!

Thanks!

Boundaries, was How Adult Children CAN Walk Away

2011-06-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

This morning I started to write a post about boundaries, because I was appalled by the reactions I saw last night to parts of the season 4 premiere of "Hoarders". Someone made a very raw comment regarding Janet's absent children that hit me deeply.

I had written three or four paragraphs when I got distracted by a hungry baby. Afterward, I took a shower and came back to the computer and realized that there was no way I could finish that post. My righteous indignation, I realized, wasn't going to do anyone any good.

So, I am now writing a post about boundaries, but I'm not going to fall into that pit.

Our whole society seems to lack healthy boundaries. We blur the lines of where we begin and end versus where those around us begin and end. Of course, there are times for us to melt into one another, and if you're like me, that's tough too.

I see these issues in my own household. My teen daughter has a cellphone that rings or notifies her of text messages 24 hours a day. I find myself telling her to turn it off, leave it in her room, or ignore it so that we can have a family dinner uninterrupted. With the rise of digital media, others have the ability to infringe upon our lives more and more if we don't have healthy boundaries.

I have a cellphone and it does remain "on" 24/7. I am the emergency contact for my mother so I keep my cellphone in my room at night on vibrate. Let me assure you, I will not be responding to texts at 2am. But if someone has a true emergency, I will answer.

But family is a tougher issue. Can you create boundaries that are healthy in an unhealthy relationship? YES!

The other week my mom and I actually discussed that I had screened her calls for almost 15 years. She'd had no idea, but she understood why I had done it. I know that the admission that I'd chosen NOT to take her calls at times hurt her feelings. But I also knew that at those times, if I had taken her call I would have been the one nursing hurt feelings.

It's hard to understand, but sometimes it is okay to risk hurting someone else's feelings to protect your own. SOMETIMES, maybe even ALL THE TIME. Only the person establishing the boundary can determine where the line should be, whether it can be crossed or must be a wall without a gate.

So, if you have made the decision that the healthiest thing for you is to eliminate or contain the exposure you have with a toxic parent, family member, or friend, I want to applaud you for knowing what you need and standing up for it. If you haven't been able to create a healthy boundary and still feel wiped out, knocked down, or walked all over by someone, I encourage you to take small steps to create a healthy boundary. If I can do it, anyone can!

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

2011-06-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

For years I suffered with migraines and tension headaches. Every ounce of stress in my life made its way into my jaw and then into my temples. Some of these headaches were debilitating. I could spend 24 hours in bed with my eyes closed and still they wouldn't resolve. I took every know pain medicine for headaches, including some very strong prescription medicines, and yet my ears would start to echo the marching of toy soldiers, I would have stars in my vision, my temples would throb, and I prayed someone might drill a hole in the top of my head to let some of the pressure out.

I was told that these headaches put me at higher risk of having a stroke. The marching I would hear in my ears was symptomatic of rising blood pressure. That, coupled with the headaches, were warning signs.

I have not had these headaches in a while. I still have garden variety headaches from time to time, but the "stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off" headaches of my past are gone. What changed?

My attitude.

I know I'm not the only one who does this. Many children with a mentally ill, addicted, or compulsive parent take on the attitude of needing to fix things. I loved my mother so much that even when she drove me crazy, I would bargain with her, God, and anyone else who might listen to fix her. I wanted her to be whole and healthy, although I didn't really know what that was. I was far from healthy myself.

And because my relationship with my mother shaped how I viewed the world and how I interacted with others, I tried to fix everyone else too. Although ironically, I could not even fix myself. So I spent lots of time and energy trying to counsel others, lean on them, manipulate them until things went "the way I perceived" to be best.

I think the greatest illustration of how much of my life had been overtaken by a need to control was revealed to me when I first began to date my husband. We had gone to the grocery store, and we were returning to my house. He was at the wheel. Now mind you, it's not a long drive from the grocery store to my home, but I clenched the door handle and proceeded in tension to tell him where to turn.

There is no right or wrong way to get to my house. My husband is a very conscientious and safe driver. But neither of those things occurred to me. I had to tell him how to get there!

That was a problem, and I realized it almost immediately. I started taking my hand off the door and placing them gently in my lap. I chose to enjoy the scenery around me and let him make his own way. This was my first step in realizing I could not do or fix everything; in fact, much of what I was trying to fix was never even broken!

Today, I start the day on my knees asking God to be with me each and every moment. I need Him to guide me and counsel me. I need Him to bless me with serenity over the things in my life that I can't change(external). I also need Him to give me the courage to change the things that I can and which need changing (internal). And most of all, I need His wisdom to discern where something falls--changeable or constant.

Some days are easier than others. Some days are down right hard! I want to change and fix everyone and everything I come in contact with. But God is always faithful when I ask Him to point out what reality is to show me lovingly where I fail and where I can excel.

The awesome thing about God is that He does this for anyone who asks Him...will you?

A love/hate relationship

2011-06-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

When I left home at 18, I felt such a great relief at being out of the reach of my HP (hoarding parent). I would later find out that much of my mother's personality that drove me crazy was due to untreated bipolar disorder, and not necessarily her hoarding issues, but what I knew then was that if I didn't get out somehow, I would lose my own mind.

But shortly after leaving, as the holidays approached, birthdays were celebrated, and I realized that my support system had been dramatically pruned, I missed my mother--the good parts of her--deeply. For all the bad that I had survived, she was my mother. I loved her; I hated her.

I've read stories and blogs by other COHs who share a similar experience with their HP. On the one hand, the condition of the home and the insanity that hoarding marked drove them crazy. They hate how this mental illness has robbed them of a "healthy, normal" childhood, and yet as the same time they want nothing more than for their HP to have something better. That is the love component.

Above all, I hate what mental illness has robbed my mother of, my childhood of, my family of, but I still love my mother. And I've learned to accept her where she is. It's what I wanted her to do with me--accept me as I am.

Tough conversations have been had; hurts have been revealed. I've watched my mother's eyes fill with tears as I recounted actions or words that destroyed my spirit. And in these tears--hers and mine--hate has been replaced with appreciation and love.

I will never be able to forget what happened; but the pain is less today. And love is so much more!

THURSDAY: AWARENESS DAY--Change A Mind

2011-06-16T11:08:00.001-07:00

Because I am getting increasing traffic, I want to take a moment each week to share some awareness, not just about hoarding and cluttering, or growing up in the home of a hoarder, but also about mental illness in general.

I first saw this commercial with Glenn Close during the Super Bowl almost 18 months ago. I'm not sure my loved ones would appreciate me wearing a shirt that reads: Mother; Daughter. However, I know that my mother and children who are affected would love to be accepted unconditionally by society.

Awareness is important. We don't badger diabetics or those with cancer. Why do we taunt those with a mental illness???

Think about it. Talk about it.

1 in 6 people are affected by a mental illness.

It could be you. Now...how do you want to be viewed and treated?

Also, check out Bring Change 2 Mind.

Shameless Promotion: Dirty Money--Pilot

2011-06-14T21:46:00.001-07:00

My good friend, Matt Paxton, the owner of Clutter Cleaner has a new project! This Saturday, June 18th at 1pm EST (check your local listings) on A&E his new show, "Dirty Money" will air.

Matt is one of those rare guys who feels like family after five minutes. He's seen ups and downs in his own life, and he's real about it. According to his blog, 5 Decisions Away, this show will highlight his less serious side. Having filmed with him over four days, I've seen this side! And he is a total crack up!

[Insert funny story which Matt would never speak to me about here!]

Such a bummer that I can't share...but I look forward to seeing him and the Clutter Cleaner crew. This is a PILOT, so if you want to see Matt MORE, please watch!

Letting Go of Self

2011-06-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

[First, I wanted to mention this little tidbit! This is my 100th post! Yay! I don't have a big special planned like on the Ellen Show, but I think it's a pretty important milestone since there were many times I considered calling it quits. But in the last month, my traffic has increased on average almost 400-percent! Thanks for sticking with me!]

James 3:13-18 NKJV

And now for the reality check...

One of the things that has become apparent to me is my need to be realistic about my value, not just in a self-worth or self-esteem kind of way, but also in relation to the value of others. It's easy to have something fantastic happen to you and forget that while you are being blessed, others are still broken and hurting.

But our current state has nothing to do with our true value.

"For you are bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." -I Corinthians 6:20

I was bought with a price while I was still broken, messed up, and hurting others all the time. And my value is no higher now than it was then; I simply am armed with better corrective lenses to see my value clearly.

In James 3, wisdom is discussed--earthly versus wisdom from Heaven. But as I read this passage tonight, what really spoke to me was from verses 17 and 18.

In verse 17, seven things are attributed to wisdom from Heaven, seven traits:

1.purity
2.gentle
3.easy to be entreated
4.full of mercy
5.good fruits
6.without partiality
7.without hypocrisy.

All of these traits are in reference to relationships with other people. As I go out into the world to speak, to share, to encourage, what am I taking with me? Am I letting go of my selfishness in my desire to do what is right and noble? Am I gentle in spirit and words? Am I harsh in regards to others' faults while easily overlooking my own? Do I have compassion and feel the miseries of others in similar roles? Do I bear good fruit? Do I act for myself or for the good of mankind as a whole? Do I have two faces, one I share and one I hide?

No matter what I am called to do, I know that I must seek God and His wisdom before I do anything. And I'm grateful to know that He has given me a checklist to test what I think I behold. It's tough to be real with others, and even tougher to be real with myself, but I know the blessing comes from blessing others and anything less than the real me, filled with the love, peace, and grace of Jesus Christ is just wasting time.

Father, as you open doors to allow me to spread awareness, let me always be reminded that I am sent for your glory and to help others. When I struggle with this, remind me brutally of the truth. This is not my cause; it is yours. I am a servant, not the master. Let my blessing come in the form of humility as I work to bless others in your name. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Hoarding Infographic: Awareness

2011-06-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

I rarely just copy and paste something here that I haven't had anything to do with the creation of, but this one is visually appealing and it carries with it interesting statistics and resources. Special thanks to PsychologyDegree.net for putting this together!

Via: Psychology Degree

Blessings, or Mercies in Disguise

2011-06-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

Something happened today that I never really believed would ever happen. It's been a long, long path to this day, this moment...but today all the tears, heartbreak, shame, pain, and sleepless nights paid off.

My mom and I sat in the counselor's office and realized that we almost have worked through the past enough to be "healthy" in a relationship together. We laughed, we shared dreams, and she gave me her blessing to tell the truth--the whole truth and nothing but the truth--as I go to reach out and help others in similar situations. I am not afraid to tell my mother the truth anymore.

I realized today as we spoke, I felt no anxiety or panic rising up in my gut as I spoke my truth. She heard me. She understood. She is willing to see me, my reality, and accept it was different than what she saw.

And I am too.

And as I sit here thankful, pondering this moment that I once believed was not even a good fairytale, I'm reminded of a song that really moves me, "Blessings" by Laura Story.

This is the kind of freedom from the past I long for. And I have it now. What a wonderful blessing, even if it came in bits and pieces, in disguise.

Worth it!

2011-06-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Many times along the journey to healing and joy I got discouraged. There were days that just facing the past, not even trying to make heads or tails of it, just seemed like too much. The video in my head of past events often seemed to get stuck in repeat mode, and it weighed me down like a boulder on my chest. It hurt and it seemed to be keeping me from breathing.

Someone had warned me that the journey would be tough. "The best things in life aren't easy," another reminded me. The therapist reminded me that someday the pain would be different. But at the moment I was sinking in it, all I could see was the red hot searing pain and the charcoal, smoky blackness of my despair.

See the thing is, I learned as a kid that one of two things must be true about myself:

1. I was not enough to be worth it;

2. I was too much to be tolerated.

It's the same old black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that affects so many children raised in homes with dysfunction, addictions, hoarding, or mental illness. There seems to never be a "Just right."

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like a brand new person. I have forced myself to deal with the realities of my childhood and my own failures and shortcomings to break a cycle of denial; I have pushed through my anger; I have bargained with myself, God and others needlessly; I wallowed in the pit of darkness and despair of depression; and I have conquered the need to control what I cannot and accepted myself.

I'm not perfect, but I truly believe I have value. I believe that I am getting better and better each day, that I have something to offer in humility, and that I am already enough. My value is already high enough to merit whatever I had to face, whatever price this freedom cost.

If you're angry still and wondering if trying to move on, trying to work recovery and find healing in your life is worth it, I HAVE TO ENCOURAGE YOU!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

If I can do this, anyone can. I'm not special. I'm like you. You can do it. You are worth it. I believe in you!

Research Project for Children of Hoarders

2011-06-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

I must apologize for being late to post this, but I know that there will be another round of surveys in this research project. As far as I know, Dr. Chabaud is the first to study directly the effects on children who have grown up with a parent who hoards.

COH Research Project

I am participating, and I encourage each of you who has the same kind of background to do the same. It may be tough to answer some of the questions, I know. I pray that the hope for a recovery program for those of us survivors--COH--is worth the pain of talking about the dark, dirty secret!

Can't...

2011-06-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

I can't control the weather,
but I can make new plans.

I can't make all the decisions,
but I can respect the choices others make.

I can't fix my parents,
but I can fix me.

I can't always protect my children,
but I can wipe away their tears.

I can't be something that I am not,
but I can be the best that I am.

I can't heal myself,
but I know someone who can. I am.

Less than perfect, but not so bad

2011-06-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have struggled my entire adult life to find a place of moderation in my home. I have had short-lived periods of extreme clean, and a few moments of embarassment, but for the most part, I think I fall within the category of normal.

I took these photos today to do TWO things:
1. Face a fear of taking photos without cleaning everything FIRST
2. Show you what my house looks like (since we here that hoarding is often genetic)

This is my new bedroom this morning. I had to stop myself from making the bed. If you walked in right now, this is what you'd see. If you stopped by in 20 minutes, the bed would be made EVERYDAY.

Ack! Dishes in the sink! But this is the way it is just after the kids head off to school. This is real, but they won't stay there long!

This is the fridge and cupboard. Always more cluttered than I like, but clean :)

This is the family desk. Again, more cluttered than I would like in a perfect world, but not scary. Someday, we're going to have an office downstairs and this will be the front entry...someday!

This is the living room. There are toys on the floor ALWAYS. Okay, not always...but a lot of the time. Clean otherwise, save for some clutter on the end table which I have a goal to eliminate this weekend!

That's it! My mess!

And I'm going to hit "Publish" now and let it go. I can do it!

Thanks for sharing this experiment with me!

My Father in Heaven, how I fear your name!

2011-06-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

James 1 (NKJV)

Somewhere along the way, I've come to a conclusion:

I struggle with placing my trust completely in God because I didn't completely trust my earthly parents.

My dad wasn't around, so I couldn't really count on him for much of anything except money here and there. He missed my confirmation, my high school graduation, my wedding, and my first child's baptism. He was very inaccessible, and I knew not to expect much from him.

My mother's struggles with bipolar personality disorder, untreated, taught me to really weigh my requests. Often, I had needs or desires that I never brought up for fear of blowing her good mood, or because I had no idea how she might respond.

So I learned to count on me. The things I couldn't provide for myself, well...they weren't that important, were they?

God is a loving father. He wants to dote on His children. He wants us to come to Him with our hurts, our joys, our fears, and our needs. And He sits and listens. Always.

I am working on this, and right now God is helping me "get it". I've been pondering the first chapter of James for quite a while now, really letting it bathe over me. And I have learned many important things about my walk, God's faithfulness and love for me, and what I need to change in my life.

Here's an overview of what I've gleaned:

v.2-4: God allows us to face trials so that we may be perfected/corrected and made whole (that's why we should count it joy; who doesn't want to be made whole?)

v.5: When we ask our Father for wisdom, He gives it freely and without fear of reproach (unlike my earthly parents); He especially likes when we ask for wisdom about our faults and character flaws

v.6: I must ask in faith, believing that God has my best interest in mind and He WILL give it to me as I've asked

v.13-15: God is not tempting me; my flesh is the issue--my desire to be in control just as I learned to rely on me as a child; my flesh flirts with temptation, and temptation sleeps with sin; sin parents death and separation from God

v.17: God gives me all the good things in my life; even this journey of becoming more than just One Wee Spark

v.19: Simple rules for interacting with others; how I need to remind myself of this EVERY day!

v.22: Faith and right living is not a studious thing; it's action.

v.23-25: this is why I need a supportive group around me; so I can see my reflection more clearly and not walk away, ignoring it

v.26: I can in three words or less make sure everyone around me knows how sinful, manipulative, and prideful I am; all these things are counter to the things God is and I long to be

I hope this helps some in your study/reflection. I'm sure I'll be simmering in it for the rest of my life!

A Memorial

2011-05-30T14:04:00.001-07:00

Isaiah 46:4

I have loved to read and write from the time I was very young, reading even before kindergarten. I suppose reading and writing were escapes from a childhood experience that was at times, less than ideal. Writing gave me a voice when I could not find my own. Writing gave me power in a world that made me feel powerless.

This weekend, as I was moving some stuff from storage into our new bedroom, I stumbled upon some writings from my tween and teen years. These are smaller memorials to my mindset and coping during that period of my life. Some of it embarrasses me, most of it I just find humorous. ~~But all of it reminds me of what I have overcome.~~

Let me correct that last statement.

But all of it reminds me of what God has carried me through!

During my little ones' naptime today, I was taking a journey back through my blog entries here in the last 18 months. I believed for so long that I was writing these to help and encourage others, but today....today I see that these entries are memorials of the path of healing that God has taken me on. They are points to stop, ponder, and let out a sigh of relief knowing that at the time I thought I couldn't make it. But today? Today I am able to look back at the good that has come from each stumble, trip, and fall; from each scar and wounding.

I can look back and wonder at the bravery I must have been showered with from above to face and deal with these events and feelings. I must be a stronger, more beautiful woman than I believe!

And that, that is a memorial worth pondering.

I hope today that you have found a way to chronicle your struggles, a Father who will be stronger than you at every turn, and the ability to look back at the YOU it has shaped.

What will be your memorial?

Bathing in self-forgiveness

2011-05-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

I Timothy 1:15

I wrote about forgiving others earlier this week--forgiving someone who hasn't asked and may not even know they need to ask, and forgiving someone who has repented and asked for forgiveness. I've had the opportunity to set myself free by forgiving others who hurt me even if they didn't ask for it or realize they'd done so. I've also had the blessing of relationship restoring forgiveness, given to someone who knew they'd wounded me and wanted to restore our relationship.

But the one forgiveness that I'm not so good at it self-forgiveness.

I believe it's because as a child I often felt like that I wasn't smart enough; I always let others down. I fell short of their expectations, and thus, I fell short of mine.

This has been very tough for me to learn, but I get plenty of opportunities to work on it. Like today. I acted poorly; I should have been a light, and if I couldn't be positive, I should have known to have kept my mouth shut. But I didn't. Nope. No way. That would have been too easy.

I apologized for my wrongdoing. I asked God to forgive me too. I knew I had wounded Him by potentially closing doors He was opening for me. I was not letting Him be the light in my window.

And then I asked Him to bathe me in self-forgiveness. I asked Him to let me shrug it off. I'm human; I made a mistake. I'm sorry I did it. Now it's time to learn from this and move on.

So that's what I'm going to do. Write this off to building humility within my soul YET again. And go forward knowing that I'm never going to be perfect, and if I can forgive others...I mostly certain can and should forgive myself. And move on.

Tomorrow's another day. I get more opportunities to make more mistakes, and hopefully to learn from them. It may have been a stupid mistake, but I'm smart enough to enjoy God's forgiving grace!

Romans 8:1

The Right to be Children

2011-05-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

John 1:12-13

This is actually from my personal Bible study reflection...written way back in January. I think it has some good relevance for here too...so I want to share it. My apologies that it's somewhat long. -Ceci

Growing up, I was robbed by my mother's untreated mental illness of much of my childhood. I often took on the role of parent, even when I was far too young to really understand the decisions I was making.

Often, I found myself resentful and angry at my mother. She was supposed to discipline, protect, nurture and raise ME! not the other way around. I was forced to be what I could not be successfully.

Of my earthly parentage, I had no choice. Children of earthly descent have no choice or right to be in a certain family or not. My spot in the world was determined by others before I came to be, and I had no role in this.

How different and blessed it is to be a child of God! All it takes to choose the family is to put my faith in Him (God/Jesus Christ) (v.12), and instantly I have the right to be a child of God. But it is not my decision that gives me the right: it is the grace and good will of the Father that I have the right to choose to believe and be accepted into the family!

This reminds me so much of what I prayed and wished for as a small child. Almost nightly, I'd pray that my biological father would either join our family, or take me away. When that prayer wasn't answered and after hearing my mother tell me repeatedly that she should have put me up for adoption, my prayer and wish was that I would be adopted.

[While Mom made lots of mistakes raising me, she made one critical good decision--to raise me in the church, surrounded by saints who prayed for and over me.]

As a naive child, I did not receive that upon asking Jesus to take up residence in my heart, my wish had come true. In God's family, I was a child and was being protected from the worst of the worst. I was being raised and nurtured, covered in prayer and surrounded by a hedge of protection by God's angels. I could not see it then, but it must have been happening based on who I am today and what I have survived and thrived in!

In God's family, I have the right to make mistakes. God's grace showers me with "It's okay, I'll help you clean that up. Now...next time, how can we do this better?" instead of the "For someone so smart, that was SO stupid," I endured in my earthly home.

In fact, to this day, I hear that statement in my mind when I stumble, fall, or trip. But gratefully, I've received enough grace and spiritual maturity to know that no mistake I can ever make will separate me from the love of MY Father.

I make a lot of the same mistakes with my children that my mother made with me. I hate it when I find myself repeating her blunders, but I remember the grace that God has poured down upon me. Spilt milk is not a bullying point, but a simple mistake that can be cleaned up and learned from. And even greater is the grace God bestows upon me through the forgiveness of my children. Because the one mistake I don't make is forgetting to ask forgiveness when I err. And God has granted me children who love me enough to be gracious and forgive me, allowing me to be a child myself--learning as I goof and try again to be better. What a blessing!

Giving forgiveness

2011-05-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote about granting forgiveness--basically releasing yourself of the bondage of bitterness and hatred by letting go of the right to get even. Granting forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. You're not doing the other person a favor at this point. This forgiveness is all about you.

I felt much better as days passed and I had forgiven my mother, but she had no idea that anything had changed because it was a gift I'd given to myself. I was taking back control of a large part of my life. It didn't really affect her at all.

But a day was coming, a day I never even believed could come, when my mother would see me and hear me for the first time in a give-and-take relationship, healthy and open. It was something that I wanted deep within, but had pushed the idea so far down that I couldn't have even told you I wanted it at all. I'd been crushed over and over in my life and learned not to have "unreasonable expectations". If you don't expect too much, you can't get hurt as badly.

I remember the drive in my husband's Monte Carlo, taking my mother back to her place. We were reminiscing over a recent question and answer session we'd done independently, neither knowing what the other had said. (We still don't know!) For the first time I was able to tell her that she had deeply hurt me over and over in my childhood with her critical spirit and correction. What she had viewed as being positive criticism had ripped my heart and soul to pieces, over and over. In addition to words that crushed, I had been wounded by her pathological rage--a by-product of untreated bipolar disorder.

She told me, or I suppose it is more truthful to say I was able to hear her for the first time as well, that she had never meant to hurt me like that. She told me she was sorry she had hurt me. She has told me since that she's sorry she wasn't able to parent me better.

Her acknowledgement of the situation, her need to be forgiven, allowed me to give her forgiveness. This time, I was still forgiving her, but I was setting her free!

Relationships are always about two or more people. If there is damage done, I can forgive the person who hurt me regardless of whether they know they hurt me or not. That forgiveness is granting me freedom. If and when they realize that they have done something to fail the relationship and seek forgiveness, I can then give them forgiveness, giving them freedom. Relationships cannot be healed without both.

In fact, there is a third scenario, and again it is healing for the individual, but it doesn't restore the relationship. I know this scenario very well as I have faced it down more than I'd like to admit too! This happens when I know I've hurt or offended someone and ask them to forgive me, but they can't or don't. Admitting my need for forgiveness gives me internal freedom from my error, but still doesn't heal the relationship. Only when the person I've hurt can respond, "Of course, I forgive you!" can amends be made.

I'm so fortunate to have learned these things about forgiveness, and spent much time releasing myself of others, admitting my wrongs and seeking forgiveness, and releasing others and making amends to heal the relationship. I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes all the time, but now I know the steps to restoration. That makes all the difference most days!

Granting Forgiveness

2011-05-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

I have spent far too many days, months, years angry with my mother for the childhood she bestowed upon me. I've born the weight of verbal injuries upon my breast and cried over them until I swore I'd never be able to cry a tear again. I'd tied my bitterness around my neck as a noose that I would hang myself, and every relationship I would seek from. In anger, bitterness, and hard-heartedness I was dead in my living. I cursed all that I touched.

I forgave my mom several years ago. I had realized that I needed to be free of the power hating her, wanting to see her get hers, had over me. So before she ever asked, and probably before she truly realized that I had such feelings toward her in so deep a way, I forgave her.

At first, it was very difficult. I had to give her forgiveness over and over. Sometimes I had to do it over and over in the same day. She drove me crazy! And sometimes I would find myself in a place where I couldn't let it go. I learned to stay clear of her on those days because I knew that the slightest look from her would add to my fury and bitterness, something neither of us could afford.

But the process was freeing. I began to feel like I'd lost fifty pounds! My breathing was easier, my steps lighter, and life was better. I had chosen to let go of my "I'll get even with you!" attitude. But just forgiving her didn't heal the relationship fully. It was only a stepping stone.

Last weekend I was watching an engineering challenge for teens on PBS. The challenge was to build a bridge over a marshy area. But to build that bridge, someone first had to step into the marsh, getting wet and dirty in the process. Forgiving someone who hasn't realized or asked for forgiveness is much like planting a stone as a foundation in a marsh. You get wet and dirty in the process, and you move closer to your goal. But you're far from done. You've granted forgiveness; you haven't given it.

It's really a huge step for most people: to forgive someone who has caused them deep harm or injury. But there is something far more wonderful out there...something that only hope can purchase. Restoration of relationships comes from granting AND giving forgiveness.

I'll talk more about giving forgiveness tomorrow.

My "bi-polar" faith

2011-05-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

James 1:6-8
John 8:36

My family carries a gene mutation that increases the risk of bipolar disorder. My mother and my daughter are both affected although both are currently leading healthy, fulfilling lives with the help of medication and counseling, PTL!

But when I was growing up, my mother was undiagnosed and untreated. She was both the coolest and the harshest mother around. Inconsistency in mood and manner was her consistency. It was the one thing I could count on--that I could not predict her mood.

I have not been diagnosed as bipolar myself, but I have battled with depression from time to time. I understand the flip side of normal days and the blues. I know the joys of "I think I can" and the uncertainty of "I can't". So I understand double-mindedness.

God is not like that, and He asks that we know and trust Him as He is. If we ask in faith without doubting, we will receive what we ask for according to His will.

But how many times do we go to the altar to pray, asking God to deliver us from a situation or to give us a blessing, crying and seeking, and then stand to leave and pick our burden BACK UP! This is what God is referring to.

I have a quote I love, and it applies here:

If you pray, why worry? But if you worry, why pray?

It's so tough to lay our burdens down! Oftentimes, I find I take them back not because I believe I can fix the problem myself but because I have become so defined by my problem that I can't imagine me without my burden. And that's a problem!

In John 8:36 we see that Jesus gives us freedom from our burdens. "So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed." It's a promise. But we see here in James that the man you asks God but doubts, clings to there problem, takes it back, "ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord."

Nothing? Well, I believe we are always under grace, so when we realize we've taken our burden back or not asked in faith, we can get a do-over. What an awesome promise!

I struggle with this daily. I struggle, I pray, and then I feel better. But in weakness, I doubt again and try to fix my own problem. I have a "bi-polar" faith.

But I know that God is faithful and loving, He will continue to develop my faith muscles, healing me of my manic-depressive faith and giving me spiritual health. It may require numerous adjustments (trials and tests), but He will perfect me and make me WHOLE.

I'm willing to be adjusted so that I can be whole; what about you?

My name is...My birthday is...

2011-05-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I overheard an amusing conversation between my three-year-old daughter and my husband. It went something like this.

"My name is Busy."

"I know; I gave you that name."

"My birthday is..."

"I know; I was there."

It was humorous to hear her inform her daddy of these things because she was so adamant in sharing it as though he were a complete stranger and not someone who played such a large role in her being from before her birth!

And it made me think about how I act when I come before my Heavenly Father.

"I am Ceci; I'm a mother, and I'm the adult daughter of a hoarder who is also mentally ill; I'm a wife but I've been bruised by divorce. I wasn't planned, but I was born on..."

And I hear my Daddy looking down in love saying,

"I know! I was there before you were born. I knew who you would become; I knew what obstacles you would face. I chose you and I knew before you knew yourself. And I was there before your days began...I've had a plan just for you since before time began."

I've been struggling with some pride issues the past couple of days. But I'm being reminded, gently and lovingly, that my Daddy loves me, knows me, and has a mighty plan for me. Sometimes I forget that His will, His ways are better than my own. Sometimes it takes a conversation between a 3-year-old and her daddy to give me back my perspective.

Psalm 139:13-15
Jeremiah 1:5
Luke 4:18-19

A Mother's Day Blessing

2011-05-08T08:41:00.001-07:00

Today I am reminded of the blessings I've been showered with over the past couple of years. First, I have been given beautiful children who continue to teach me the meaning of grace and forgiveness. This has been such a blessing to me as I worked out my past and let go of bitterness and my own unforgiving spirit.

Second, I have been blessed with the opportunity to heal and build a new relationship with my own mother. Part of me truly believed that it was not possible to have a new beginning. But we do!

We're on our way to see my mom and spend some time with her on this Mother's Day. I hope to give you just enough hope to NOT GIVE UP even if your relationship with your mother, or with your children, is or has been strained. As long as you are all still living, hope remains. Happy Mother's Day!

PS. Apparently, if you want to send your mom flowers...you can still do so in some markets via FTD (whose picture I borrowed above)!

You've just gotta check this out!

2011-05-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

So...today is the day!

My friend, Matt Paxton, the owner of Clutter Cleaner and of A&E's "Hoarders" fame has written a book! It is officially available to purchase today. As a friend of Matt's, I actually got a copy a couple of weeks ago with a personal inscription and all that jazz. The timing of the book arriving with such a sincere, touching inscription from the author will never be lost on me as it was the same day I learned of my cousin's passing.

Although the title of the book has a sensationalist ring to it, what you will find within its pages is sound advice with deep respect for those affected by hoarding, their family and loved ones, as well as the community at large. Matt defers on some topics to Dr. Suzanne Chabaud, Ph.D. from the OCDINGO in New Orleans and also a featured expert on "Hoarders".

The book is not written so as to treat the topic distastefully or to be overly scholastic in nature. With Phaedra Hise's assistance, Matt tackles the topic in a layperson-friendly manner.

And just in case you were wondering, my mom and I are NOT mentioned in the book! (I have to say that so that my critique and recommendation are less partial.)

Lots of good things have come from "Hoarders"--not the least of which is my friendship with many of the professionals and the chance my mother and I have been given to have a normal, healthy relationship that is not always in crisis. But that's a blog for another day.

Please, support Matt and his entry into the world of authorship and pick up a copy of "The Secret Lives of Hoarders"!

Also, check out Matt's new blog, 5 Decisions Away!

Sometimes You Just Can't Fail

2011-04-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

"And now I say to you, keep away from these men and let them alone; for if this plan or this work is of men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it —lest you even be found to fight against God."-Acts 5:38-39

I have spent a large portion of my life talking myself out of doing the things I felt led to do, the things I am gifted in, or the things that just seemed scary to me. I learned growing up that failure is not an option, trusting in yourself or others can be scary if not dangerous. And so I've often chosen the safe path, the way of least resistance, regardless of whether it was the right way to go.

As I begin to learn to trust my gut response to things, to validate my personal needs and desires, to embrace my passions as being acceptable, I'm spending lots of time going back and forth between believing I can try something and reverting to the old broken message:
“If you fail, you'll never live this down!”

In fact, over the weekend, I landed smack dab in the middle of one of those old mindset places. My husband asked if I would boil some eggs so we could color them for Easter. I have NEVER, let me repeat that...NEVER hard-boiled eggs on my own before. But I determined not to be taunted by my lack of experience. I broke out my faithful Betty Crocker Cookbook and looked up the instructions for hard boiling eggs. Armed with Betty's trust directions, I could not possibly go wrong!

So I hard-boiled the eggs by the directions to a “T”. But later, just before dinner, my husband cracked open an egg and took a bite. The yolk was only moderately cooked—more than soft-boiled but not exactly hard-boiled either. And I was devastated by this turn of events. Immediately, the old message played in my head:
“For someone so smart, that was really stupid.”

I immediately was aware of my all-or-nothing thinking regarding my cooking mishap, and corrected myself. The eggs were cooked enough to eat safely. I had done exactly what the directions instructed me to do. This was not a disaster.

It sounds so silly to talk about hard-boiling eggs and my disastrous all-or-nothing thinking, but the truth is that this same broken thought process often tries to keep me from doing what God has called me to do. I cower in fear of messing up what God wants me to do. I distrust my spiritual gifts and anointing. Like Gamaliel pointed out in Acts 5:
"...but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it—lest you even be found to fight against God." (v.39)

When it comes to God's calling and anointing, even my human erring and dysfunction cannot destroy it unless I refuse to be open to His will. What a relief that is!

Oh, and by the way, I'm slowly but surely finding it's easier to try and land short of the goal without beating myself up. In fact, sometimes I choose to fail when I know it's safe to do so just to prove a point to myself. Very little in this world is truly all-or-nothing!

Father, thank you for continuing to stand beside me, holding me gently in your arms as I learn that I don't have to be perfect. Remind me that striving to do your will is the most noble thing I can seek, and with your help, I'll never have to fear failure or perfection. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Family is like...

2011-04-23T09:13:00.001-07:00

In the early morning hours this morning, as I was feeding my beautiful baby girl, I began to ponder the oddity that family is. This week was filled with grief and mourning, but from that sadness came healing and blessing. For the first time in a VERY long time, I was together with a part of my extended family. Sadly, it has taken funerals to get me together with this part of my family. But I won't let it be that way anymore.

While sitting dazed, half-awake and half-asleep, it dawned on me. Family is like...

FRUITCAKE!

*giggling*

It didn't sound as odd to say that at 2am, but I think it still fits.

Nobody I know MAKES fruitcake. It's just kinda always there for Christmas. And family is kinda like that. We don't really make it, it just is what it is. Most of the time, fruitcake is hard, stale, and un-enjoyable; our families can easily become just that without proper care. Fruitcakes have so many different ingredients, things we might not bring together otherwise. Oh my! How family is like that!

And I realized also, that if you took away one ingredient from the fruitcake, well...it just wouldn't be fruitcake anymore. It might be banana bread, or coffee cake. But it wouldn't be fruitcake.

I am grateful to have put my ingredient back into the mix. Part of recovery is re-establishing broken or lost relationships when they are beneficial. And I truly believe I can begin to do that now. I'm just sorry that I've lost so many years already.

I may seem a little nutty right now, but maybe that's my role...to put a little crunch into the mix. Or maybe I'm just a little salt...to make the ingredients interact. It doesn't matter really. All that matters is that I'm a part of the mix, and my part is important.

And your part in your family is important too. I hope you find the strength to hold onto hope, even in grief and mourning, during anger and joy, birth and death alike. We all have an important role and a place in each season. Play your part.

Q&A Session--Nature vs. Nurture

2011-04-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

NOTE: I want to remind anyone reading here that I am not a professional--not an organizer, social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. I observe and report what I see, and I try to blend my observations with (sometimes against) those who are "experts".

A friend recently sent me this email. We met via the internet after my mother's episode aired. I was touched with her ability to share and ask me about this, but I realized that she was probably not the only one who wonders about this issue. This is her email, and my response. I pray it may touch someone else too!

You have been in my mind the last few days. I will explain. I have been with my dad @ his home- he is now elderly & can no longer move around independant. He is simply- a hoarder- once removed.

See, his situation is a little different. His home is NOT dirty, not cluttered as far as immobile. I suppose you would term him an information hoarder, but most of it (all of it) is info for his former career. He wrote a lot of articles & such & has so much info for doing that.

I was helping him go through some of his files & I swear every letter he has gotten in the last (?) years he has in a sep file (sigh). He knows he will never use it again.... reluctant to toss some of it. He did toss a lot while I was there & I told him I was proud of him. The amass of papers & books that he has.... oh my. When he passes- the job we will have. It is NOT junk, I assure you that. Just the years of accumulation.

He has 4 (that I found) waffle makers, still in box. Several hot pots, still in box. The list goes on. Oh yeah- the boxes- from products..... but I do that too. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The 1 question I have in all of this????? How much of "my" behavior is hereditary & how much is learned? I am so curious.
Thanks for all that you do :)

You raised an excellent question! I don't think anyone knows how much of hoarding/cluttering that is passed from one generation to another is due to genetic predisposition (similar to how alcoholism is passed) and how much is simply learned behavior. I know that the nature vs. nurture question has been raised over and over in different mental health issues.

I know that there is notable differences in the brain functioning of those affected by cluttering behaviors. For instance, they have an issue sorting things into groups. You mentioned your dad having all those letters and each being neatly filed away...in its own file! That is one of the processing issues I've heard being key in the issue. There seems to be a processing issue where things are all unique, quite the opposite of how my earliest filing projects were--overgeneralization.

How much of your behavior is genetic (nature) vs. learned behavior (nurture) is really not as important as how you deal with it, I believe. If you know you have certain tendencies and you work to deal with them constructively, allow others to balance you out, the rest doesn't matter. I think grief plays a huge role in the progression of hoarding/cluttering, much as any other addiction.

I think of Paul in Romans 7 speaking of the good he wished he did but doesn't do, and bemoaning the bad he wouldn't want to do yet finds himself doing all the more! When we are aware of destructive possibilities in our lives, surround ourselves with people who truly love us and will be real with us, I think we take the worst parts of the nature and/or nurture issue out of the equation.

Even if your tendency to do things like your dad IS a genetic brain processing difference, the good news is that God offers us healing! If God can heal ten lepers, if He can make the blind see, then surely He can heal and release us from those tendencies! And if He forgave the Samaritan woman, the thief on the cross beside Jesus, then surely He will forgive us if our tendency is more of a learned behavior--bad habit.

Either way, we are washed in His grace! There is hope from hoarding!

Keep your chin up. You don't have to claim these issues or be bound to them. Healing and recovery are possible, even if painful...and I say that from personal experience and honesty.

Sending prayers, hugs, and blessings your way!

I'm a crappy kind of friend

2011-04-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

I've shared recently about my fear of making personal phone calls, but as I was searching deep inside of myself with God's help ("Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."--Psalm 139:23-24 AMP), I realized that I'm really bad at this thing called friendship.

It's not that I don't want to have friends; it's not even that I don't recognize the traits of a good friend, the actions it requires to become a good friend. It's simply that friendship carries a risk--of pain, of loss of control, of being betrayed. I'm deeply afraid of those things although I am working a little bit each day towards casting off my fear.

In fact, the hardest part of this is my fear of making NEW friends. The people who have known me for years have learned to accept me and my lopsided connections and interactions. But when I meet someone new and strike up an interesting conversation, I am later paralyzed by the idea of trying to extend an acquaintance beyond the initial conversation. I believe I've lost the opportunity to make many friends because of this.

This weekend, my husband and I went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. Our server was a beautiful mother who I initially met a couple of years ago at my daughter's middle school. She volunteered, just as I did. We had a couple of pleasant conversations then, but it never went beyond that. Although at that time I had her email and phone number, I would never have dared to call her. In my mind, that was crossing a professional/personal line that was inappropriate. (I have to admit here that I see "all or nothing" thinking at play in my life often...this is one of those places!)

She recognized me, and of course, I recognized her. But her recognition went deeper. She had seen the episode of "Hoarders" that I had been on with my mother. All of a sudden, I realized she already knew more about me than most people want or need to! She was very kind, and as we were leaving, she gave me her email address and asked me to keep in touch.

I was blown away! Knowing myself far too well, I came home and emailed her that evening. I knew that if I waited until the next day, I would chicken out and miss the opportunity to make a friend...AGAIN. And I'm done missing opportunities!

I did warn her in my email that I struggle with making contact, but that I was happy to have bumped into her and hoped that we could get together for coffee soon. My schedule stays busy, but I refuse to let that be an excuse for not stepping out in faith and making new habits, learning new responses, and having new friends!

I'm hoping to meet up with her next week...I'm carving out time to grow this friendship. She's already stepped out...now it's my turn. And while it scares me, I know down deep this is how it works.

Father, thank you for giving me opportunities all the time to step out and create a new pattern, practice my new story--the one of the beautiful, meek but confident daughter. Continue to bless me with people who are patient and understanding, and allow me to bless others by sharing my struggles as I keep moving forward in recovery with your help. In Jesus' name, AMEN.